I moved

Hey all! Chances are, not many of you miss me, but if you do, I no longer use this blog anymore. Follow me on my new blog, Simply Me. Most aspects of my life changed, I figured this should, too. 

http://simplymeashleymarie.blogspot.com

See ya on my other page!

Marriage

You know, this whole weekend of the gay community being able to get married in Utah has got me thinking. We predominantly live in a society who thinks marriage is simply a piece of paper, where a couple would rather cohabitate than commit to each other. Divorce rates are dropping simply because less and less people are choosing to get married. As a result, families are either becoming nonexistent or they are being targeted and torn apart and leaving extreme emotional scars on the children of the future who are supposed to take care of us when my generation gets old.... how is this comforting? How can so many straight people want this life? I'm actually in awe of the LGTB community. All they've been able to do is cohabitate, and that hasn't been enough for them. They actually want to commit to each other, to be a family! How admirable is that!? I love that there are actually people out there who care about the commitment of marriage. Instead of being discriminating and hateful, I think we should marvel at the example this group of people are setting. The straight community could learn a lot from their mindset; we need to not take marriage for granted! It is a God given right and sacred bond that gets trashed and misused everyday. I'm grateful there are people still fighting for that desire that seemed to have become "unpopular". 

The Ashley you know and love, is back!

Sorry for the long hiatus everyone, but, it was necessary. Most of you know that my life started going down hill a year ago last December. 2013 has been anything but a kind year to me. Honestly, I'd say that I was seriously mentally unwell for about 9 months of this entire year. All my mental illnesses went from mild/moderate to severe, and I heavily considered suicide more times than I'd like to admit. I admitted myself to a psych ward for almost a week in the beginning of the year and that was a very.... educational and traumatizing experience. I left that place feeling terrified going back out into the world and with more prescriptions than I came in with. Through out the course of the year,  I learned I couldn't trust almost everyone I thought I was close to and I had to start again at ground 0 to build new friendships and relationships. I have been subject, over the course of my life to now, to every form of abuse. Basically ever since March, I've had extreme difficulty finding a descent a stable job. In July, I got diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, commonly known as P.C.O.S Depending on the severity of the disease, it can render some women completely infertile, and I don't know how severe I am and probably won't know until I want to get pregnant, which is now years away for me.  As you can see, I've had a horrible year.  

As I've had many low points this past year, I've had some high points as well. I am now on only one medication and it has nothing to do with mental illness. I happened to be blessed with a descent job about a month ago, and I love it! I had the opportunity to go to school this semester and I have loved my class! (I'm actually really bummed that the semester is over.) I gratefully never became homeless and hungry because of my wonderful mom and sister being there for me, no matter what, as true family members should be. I also had the opportunity to make one of my dreams come true; I got to work at Nightmare on 13th (a local haunted, haunted house), and be part of the Nightmare crew, but we like to call each other family. :) **as a side note; to get hired at Nightmare,  it's a 4 step audition process, and this was the hardest new hire year they had because so many nightmare veterans returned. So the fact that I got a part there was nothing short of amazing!** Through out the year, I've had a few extremely kind and giving men, that were either complete strangers to me or distant acquaintances, just give me money, and we're not talking 20 dollar bills, either. I've had other kind people fill my gas tank, give me food for my animals when I ran out, and give me gift cards as well. I know I'm missing a few others simply because I'm choosing to not mention them because they are personal to me or they temporarily slipped my mind, but, you get the picture! I've been on the receiving end of great charity and service that I will not forget. Through out my humble circumstances, I feel incredibly blessed, loved, and fortunate in my life. There are some days I forget, but, I'm human; I'm definitely more grateful than not. I happened to also have the opportunity again to work with a man I truly love and admire: Marshall McDonald. If you don't know who he is, I'd suggest you Google and YouTube him right now! He is currently the choir director at the Taylorsville Institute at SLCC's Redwood Campus. He has a day (audition) choir and a night (anyone) choir. I got to be in the day choir for a 3rd time (I've been in this choir on and off for 5 ish years). I had had promptings all year long that I needed to 'seek healing through music', and choir was an answer to prayer. Not only did I have amazing experiences, like meeting/singing for General Authorities in person, I got to meet amazing people. People who I am proud to call my friends. This semester has quite literally changed my life! My circumstances are basically the same, but my outlook has changed because I allowed the Gospel and goodness back in my life. I've been called to seek forgiveness and as of right now, it is currently the biggest challenge I'm working through. If I can walk through hell and come out with no visible damage, and still be able to testify of the Truth and Beauty of the Gospel, then you can do it, too! Remember, Heavenly Father loves you.

I asked for too much.

I might as well be contemplating the Universe. My thoughts seem great, dark, and complex; more so than normal. I just don't understand.... why is the human race so cruel and blood thirty? Aren't we all children of a loving and wonderful Heavenly Father who is kind and forgiving? Don't we all, as humans want the same thing; to be happy? to love and be loved? to find (personal) peace? As a whole, why don't we treat each other so? Why are we judgmental? Why do we gossip and ridicule? Why are we violent in word and deed? WHY?!

 

Lonely. Lonely. Lonely.

That's all I feel.

I hate my life. I am so angry, all the time. Since anger is a secondary emotion, in reality, I'm hurting all the time. I feel like the world has beat me down and spit on me. I feel worthless, unwanted, rejected. I put myself out there, for multiple things to try to change things in my life, and all I get is dirt kicked in my face. How can things get better? Every time I make an effort to change an aspect of my life, it gets shoved back in my face, and I retreat further away. I try to see certain friends, I get blown off. I apply for a job that's supposedly hiring, they're actually not hiring. I keep being told to wait for basically everything that will make a difference in my life, when I needed positive change months ago. I give up, I don't care, I literally have no patience anymore. I put myself out there to connect or re-connect with people, I get ignored. I've been rejected by 2/3 of my own family, I had to find out through their immaturity or bitchiness that they are better off out of my life, so I say, '"Screw" you', to them. I own nothing. I live in a place where I get angry and argue almost every day because of a part of my ridiculous living situation. I literally can't afford gas to get away. I yell at my dogs all the time because I have no other source to vent my anger. I trust basically no one.

I've been relentlessly burned, isn't that enough? I have a disease that prevents me from having children, isn't it enough that I've been torn from a dream that I've always wanted? I literally had no friends show up to a surprise birthday party I had, isn't that enough to show how alone I am? Haven't I been kicked enough since I've been down? I can't even get up yet, but the kicks keep coming.

I'm at the point where I'm just going to push people away. I put myself out there, and I get hurt, what's the point of letting people in when all that will do is hurt me more? I'm clearly not wanted. It's clearly better if I'm just out of the way. Apparently I cause 'damage' to others, so, I'll just shut myself up so the only person I hurt is myself. Who will care? Clearly no one.

All I wanted was to be happy. To love, be loved. To have a family of my own.

Apparently, I asked for too much.

 

 

 

My Single Bucket List

I want to be smarter this time around with being single. I want to do things right and not rush a thing. Here's a list of things I'd like to accomplish by time I marry again:

• Go on a Mission. (If that is something I'm meant to do.)
• Complete school. English Major. My desire to learn ASL is creeping back, as well.
• Become a spiritual giant. 
• Enjoy life and not take things for granted.
• Be more grateful, and charitable.
• Update my blog once a week.
• LOSE WEIGHT. I am finally motivated to make this happen. I want to be a new me.
• Exercise. Yoga, swim, boxing, etc. I want to do it!

I really just want to put my life in the Lords hands. I've never done that before. I want to love and trust again; in both Heavenly Father and humanity. 

What's in a name?

So, my new, pretty little girl of mine officially has a name:

What to say?

I want to write. I do. I just don't know what to say. . . . 

I guess all I can really do is confirm that yes, Dallin and I are getting divorced. And it's horrible. All the crying, and sleepless nights. Being alone, losing friends, being disowned by family (unfortunately yes, my family is a piece of work). It's awful. I wouldn't wish this