Come what may.... came.

Did I jinx myself? 'Come what may'..... yeah, I'm REALLY good at putting my foot in my mouth. Remember this post of mine on Motherhood in August? There's another side of my 'motherhood' insecurity that I didn't mention.... and it's one that I don't really talk about in case of taboo; you know, when you don't want to say something out loud in fear that the opposite will happen according to what you really want to happen? Yeah, it's one of those things. Well, I go without talking about it and it happens anyway.... so much for taboo.

I'd like to assume everyone knows about my current predicament, but, that would be ignorant of me (is that the right word I wanted to use?) so, I will re-inform all my readers like no one knows. 

During the first week of December, I went in and saw

my OB/GYN; I made the appointment about 2 months in advance. Needless to say, by the time the appointment rolled around, I had completely forgotten about it. Good thing they make reminder calls the day before! *Another taboo moment* You know when you go to the DR or Dentist and you are anticipating for something to be wrong and its not? Or the opposite thinking everything will be OK and it's not? Anyway, I go to my DR (who is now FREAKING far away!) not thinking much about my visit except hoping that they hurry because I wanted to get to work. My DR finally comes into my minuscule, sterile prison and we have a nice little girly chat. A few months previous, I had seen her for a check up in which she informed me that she was concerned that Dallin and I may have difficulties conceiving whenever we desired to start our family. We reflected back on that conversation and brought to light the new things which had come to pass since then; I thought she was going to say pretty much what she had months before and then I'd be on my merry way. Nope - wrong again. She asked more questions. I answered them. She then let me have it. You can tell when a DR has had their fair share in telling their patients bad news; she didn't even bat an eye - not for a second. "You have a hormone imbalance, if gone untreated, you will get cancer. You're at a high risk for Uterine Cancer."

Blast genetics! Why do I have to have female reproductive problems on both sides of my family!? 

I was instantly in shock and I had mentally checked out the rest of the day; no work for me. I wish I had kept myself together enough to ask more questions, but alas, time also was not on my side to give my brain the jump start it needed to even process what kind of questions I should ask. Her departing words to me were that I need to lose weight (30 - 50 pounds; yes! I have that much to lose. Everyone says I don't look like I need to lose that much, but, I do.) and that Dallin and I need to decide if I'm taking a) birth control b) Medroxyprogesterone - a pill that forces your body to have a period if you miss or are a week late. or c) prenatals; meaning we need to start trying to get pregnant. For some couples, this would not be a hard decision at all; it'd come down to either taking birth control or trying to get pregnant. No brainers, right? Except if that couple happens to be us - and it is. 

We're against birth control for a couple reasons: a) it turns me into a 24/7 B and Dallin doesn't enjoy having a grumpy, mean wife. b) birth control doesn't prevent pregnancy - it prevents a female from staying pregnant. It forces your body to abort a fetus. So birth control = forced abortion, no thanks. Speaking of forced abortion, we don't like the idea of me taking Medroxyprogesterone because if I were pregnant, it would also cause a forced abortion. The only upside to this medication is if I had to take this drug is only if I miss a period - so I wouldn't have to take it often. If I did take it, it'd only be for 10 days. The downside: If I had to take this medication, it would make my depression and anxiety (which I'm also being treated for if you don't already know) worse. Which also makes me more prone to being easily upset. No bueno. So option 3 seems like a winner, right? To pretty much every one else, and myself included, I'd say, "Yes! Sign me up for some prenatals, please!" My family members agree. Dallin and I have been married 3 years and we now have a house, why continue waiting? Why indeed. 

Oh my husband - I love the man but, this is one of those many situations where he drives me insane; I wait for him to come home so I can break him the bad news. I was naive enough to think that this should open his eyes and we can no longer delay our family. Wrong again. I told him our 3 options and he immediately said "No" to all three of them with out hesitation, like I knew he would. I was naive in thinking that he just needed some time to mull things over and he'll come around..... I waited, and waited, and waited. I waited to the point where I was on the edge of an anxiety attack and I couldn't be patient anymore; he needed to talk or I was going to lose it! His answer was that he wanted to look for a magical "fourth option." I about died. There is no fourth option. 

One of the lovely characteristics of Dallin's family is that they are way into all-natural and holistic everything. Which is good for your health for sure, but, for me it can be a bit extreme. Food, I can do, going to other options for illnesses and diseases .... not as much. I grew up with my mom being a nurse who is 110% behind western medicine - so I have major conflicts now between my 'old' family and my 'new' family, and with my personal views on certain matters. Dallin wants me to try an all natural alternative that I'm not fully comfortable with and don't think is worth solely relying on. It's my body and I want to feel comfortable with whatever I end up doing.

There is a non-invasive option that I would like to explore, but, it's not cheap and it's something I wouldn't want to just do by itself. I could shoot my brain (not literally), I can't remember what this program is called, but, my good friend and Mary Kay consultant does it and I love and trust this woman. She started a new business combining Mary Kay and this program; it's called The Beauty of Perspective. 

This program helps you to identify trapped negative filters, beliefs and traumas, and then she removes them to help you create the view you want in your life. I started doing this with her before she created the business and it really is a powerful tool. (Too bad I stopped!) This program is based on changing your thought process and re-building it with positive affirmations. The mind is a strong contributor in you building yourself up, or tearing your self down; I happen to be really good in doing the latter. I had my consultation with her last week and told her what my DR told me. This is how my results panned out:

High risk for uterine cancer: 73% Emotional (A lot to do with fear of motherhood)

Hormones problems/Thyroid: 55% Emotional

Weight: 100% Emotional

Prone to Diabetes: 8% Emotional

On a scale of 1(bad)-10(good)… where you are at right now emotionally:

How I view myself: 3

Love life:7

Family relationships: 8

Relationships with others: 6

How I feel about my job/career: 8

How I feel about money: 6

Dreams; do I feel they are being fulfilled: 8

Personal Sprituality: 3

33% of emotional issues are inherited.

Do you notice the connection between my spirituality and how I view myself? I thought that was eye opening. Its interesting, right? She asked me what my answers were and then asked my body/sub-conscious to see if they were right. They were both pretty close. The above listed is the latter. 

Now, have you caught on to where I'm going with this? No? Well, I'm about to tell you.

Going back to the beginning of this post, 'There's another side of my 'motherhood' insecurity that I didn't mention.... and it's one that I don't really talk about in case of taboo; you know, when you don't want to say something out loud in fear that the opposite will happen according to what you really want to happen? Yeah, it's one of those things.'

I have a fear of being a mother. There. I said it! Pretty much all of my problems I brought onto myself. Some of it is my genetics; I inherited it. Some is something physically wrong that needs to be fixed - the rest I've brought on myself; negative emotion. Way to go, self. 

Why do I have this fear? Good question. I'm still discovering answers to this question. I know some of it has to do with some of my unresolved, pent up anger I haven't dealt with.... because I don't know how to. I had/have temper problems. Once I realized it was a problem (somewhere between 14 and 16 years old.) I've been able to control it. The last couple years, I've had a harder time controlling it though. Because of this anger, I've been known to have violent black-outs, I lose control and I don't realize what I'm doing until after I've done it; I'm afraid that I will beat my children. I'm scared that because I'm not a good house wife and not the best wife in general, that I'll be a bad mother. I'm afraid that because I'm not that spiritual, that I will lead my children astray. Since Dallin and I don't have the best communication skills and we're known to have some nasty fights, that my children will be scarred for life or that there will be life altering consequences that will change their lives for the worse.  

I hate that I'm a ticking time bomb for something bad to happen. I can't tell you how severe, intense, and how opposite my mood swings have been. It's hard knowing what can happen if I don't do anything to change it now... since we know what I'm at risk for, my life isn't on the line, just the lives of future children that I might not have. It almost doesn't seem fair.... I'd almost rather have my life be at risk than just my ability to have children be on the line. It's scary knowing that me having a hysterectomy is almost inevitable.... it's only a matter of time. I'm 24. I should have a good 15 + years to be able to have children..... and depending on what happens, that can easily be ripped away from me. I don't mind adopting but, I want to have my own biological children.... and I hate that I feel selfish saying that.

Dallin and I have had some more talks and he's finally said that he doesn't mind trying to get pregnant, but that he wants to wait to try to get rid of some of his health issues first so they don't get passed on. I can understand that but, part of me is really irked by this statement because if he really feels that way, I feel he should have already been trying to work on this so when the time came to try, he'd be all ready to go. Isn't better to have children with mild health issues than to not be able to have any at all? 

I'm scared to lose the weight I need to just because I feel like I have no support system and I've never had to do it before, so, I don't know how to. I'm also scared because between all the discussions we've had, I still have yet to be actively doing something about my problem; I'm doing nothing. I'm trying to eat better but, it's so hard with it being the holiday season. The best I've done is trying to implement more protein in my diet, but, I feel my current efforts aren't enough.

We have some major talking, praying, and temple-going to do. Dallin and I have already had blessings regarding the decisions we need to make. I love the gospel and I love the Priesthood. Please feel free to pray for us, because lets face it, I think we can use all the prayers we can get.