I envy those who have had an easy life. . . .

(I feel like no one reads these or even checks this; I feel this is for me to pour my heart out to something that does not care, but, thats something that I'm used to.)
What people consider easy, is different per person. I'm not trying to have a pity party, but, I can't help it. (This is Ashley blogging) I have had a rough life. Everyone's story is different, yes, my life could have been easier and yes it could have been harder, but, to each their own. I envy those who:
*have never had to go through their parents getting divorced, and being there for all the fights that led up to it; years worth.
*being diagnosed with depression at a young age and struggling with problems that none of your class mates know about and having them tease you for years on end.
*being suicidal in 5th grade.
*have had their parents get re-married and going through the drama and heart ache that brings.
*having to watch a parent go through a 2nd divorce.
*having to watch a parent put up your new sister for adoption knowing that the current marriage and living situation is not healthy for a baby to be in. and not knowing when you are going to see her again.
*having one of your parents and their spouse hate your other parent; even after its been YEARS later of little, or no drama. The lies that are brought up between parents.
*losing a sibling to "emancipating" themselves at 17 and hardly seeing them while they were "gone" for 2 years.
*losing another sibling to drugs, and lies, and bitterness and having them hate you for caring for them.
*having to watch a parent move away when you would want to keep them in your pocket with you if it were possible.
*having to watch/listen to that parent with the struggles of starting all over again.

And this is only touching the surface.

There is only SO much a strong person can endure, and I feel I am getting to the end of my rope. I don't want to be strong anymore; I'm done. I hate putting up with all the things I do. But, what other choice do I have? I really thought getting married would change a lot of these things, but, I'm still as poor as I was growing up, if not poorer. Family drama is the worst its ever been. The only difference is I'm not alone anymore, and that makes the biggest difference in the world. I really don't know where I would be without Dallin. He is my hero. He rescued me from myself. I was on the edge of a very dark place in my life, all I had to do was take the plunge. I probably would be into drugs at this point and who knows what else. And I KNOW thats the path I would be on right now. I am a big pessimist, but, I do have things to be grateful for.
*Dallin; the love of my life and my hero.
*my mom; she is the best friend anyone could ask for!
*my dog; being there for me when no one else was.
*some of my extended family; they are a blessing in my life!
*a loving and forgiving heavenly father; if he was not forgiving, I don't know where I would be in my life.

My only hope is, is that when Dallin and I do start our own family, I do not want them to have a life even CLOSE to mine! They need a happy life. If it cost me to go through hell for them to not know what hell feels like, I will take it! Plus, I don't think I could bear to go through it again. There are only so many times a heart can break and try to mend its self again. Because of all the things I have gone through, I can relate to a lot of things and I try my best to help those along the way.