Marriage

You know, this whole weekend of the gay community being able to get married in Utah has got me thinking. We predominantly live in a society who thinks marriage is simply a piece of paper, where a couple would rather cohabitate than commit to each other. Divorce rates are dropping simply because less and less people are choosing to get married. As a result, families are either becoming nonexistent or they are being targeted and torn apart and leaving extreme emotional scars on the children of the future who are supposed to take care of us when my generation gets old.... how is this comforting? How can so many straight people want this life? I'm actually in awe of the LGTB community. All they've been able to do is cohabitate, and that hasn't been enough for them. They actually want to commit to each other, to be a family! How admirable is that!? I love that there are actually people out there who care about the commitment of marriage. Instead of being discriminating and hateful, I think we should marvel at the example this group of people are setting. The straight community could learn a lot from their mindset; we need to not take marriage for granted! It is a God given right and sacred bond that gets trashed and misused everyday. I'm grateful there are people still fighting for that desire that seemed to have become "unpopular". 

The Ashley you know and love, is back!

Sorry for the long hiatus everyone, but, it was necessary. Most of you know that my life started going down hill a year ago last December. 2013 has been anything but a kind year to me. Honestly, I'd say that I was seriously mentally unwell for about 9 months of this entire year. All my mental illnesses went from mild/moderate to severe, and I heavily considered suicide more times than I'd like to admit. I admitted myself to a psych ward for almost a week in the beginning of the year and that was a very.... educational and traumatizing experience. I left that place feeling terrified going back out into the world and with more prescriptions than I came in with. Through out the course of the year,  I learned I couldn't trust almost everyone I thought I was close to and I had to start again at ground 0 to build new friendships and relationships. I have been subject, over the course of my life to now, to every form of abuse. Basically ever since March, I've had extreme difficulty finding a descent a stable job. In July, I got diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, commonly known as P.C.O.S Depending on the severity of the disease, it can render some women completely infertile, and I don't know how severe I am and probably won't know until I want to get pregnant, which is now years away for me.  As you can see, I've had a horrible year.  

As I've had many low points this past year, I've had some high points as well. I am now on only one medication and it has nothing to do with mental illness. I happened to be blessed with a descent job about a month ago, and I love it! I had the opportunity to go to school this semester and I have loved my class! (I'm actually really bummed that the semester is over.) I gratefully never became homeless and hungry because of my wonderful mom and sister being there for me, no matter what, as true family members should be. I also had the opportunity to make one of my dreams come true; I got to work at Nightmare on 13th (a local haunted, haunted house), and be part of the Nightmare crew, but we like to call each other family. :) **as a side note; to get hired at Nightmare,  it's a 4 step audition process, and this was the hardest new hire year they had because so many nightmare veterans returned. So the fact that I got a part there was nothing short of amazing!** Through out the year, I've had a few extremely kind and giving men, that were either complete strangers to me or distant acquaintances, just give me money, and we're not talking 20 dollar bills, either. I've had other kind people fill my gas tank, give me food for my animals when I ran out, and give me gift cards as well. I know I'm missing a few others simply because I'm choosing to not mention them because they are personal to me or they temporarily slipped my mind, but, you get the picture! I've been on the receiving end of great charity and service that I will not forget. Through out my humble circumstances, I feel incredibly blessed, loved, and fortunate in my life. There are some days I forget, but, I'm human; I'm definitely more grateful than not. I happened to also have the opportunity again to work with a man I truly love and admire: Marshall McDonald. If you don't know who he is, I'd suggest you Google and YouTube him right now! He is currently the choir director at the Taylorsville Institute at SLCC's Redwood Campus. He has a day (audition) choir and a night (anyone) choir. I got to be in the day choir for a 3rd time (I've been in this choir on and off for 5 ish years). I had had promptings all year long that I needed to 'seek healing through music', and choir was an answer to prayer. Not only did I have amazing experiences, like meeting/singing for General Authorities in person, I got to meet amazing people. People who I am proud to call my friends. This semester has quite literally changed my life! My circumstances are basically the same, but my outlook has changed because I allowed the Gospel and goodness back in my life. I've been called to seek forgiveness and as of right now, it is currently the biggest challenge I'm working through. If I can walk through hell and come out with no visible damage, and still be able to testify of the Truth and Beauty of the Gospel, then you can do it, too! Remember, Heavenly Father loves you.

What's in a name?

So, my new, pretty little girl of mine officially has a name:

What to say?

I want to write. I do. I just don't know what to say. . . . 

I guess all I can really do is confirm that yes, Dallin and I are getting divorced. And it's horrible. All the crying, and sleepless nights. Being alone, losing friends, being disowned by family (unfortunately yes, my family is a piece of work). It's awful. I wouldn't wish this

I envy those who have had an easy life. . . .

(I feel like no one reads these or even checks this; I feel this is for me to pour my heart out to something that does not care, but, thats something that I'm used to.)
What people consider easy, is different per person. I'm not trying to have a pity party, but, I can't help it. (This is Ashley blogging) I have had a rough life. Everyone's story is different, yes, my life could have been easier and yes it could have been harder, but, to each their own. I envy those who:
*have never had to go through their parents getting divorced, and being there for all the fights that led up to it; years worth.
*being diagnosed with depression at a young age and struggling with problems that none of your class mates know about and having them tease you for years on end.
*being suicidal in 5th grade.
*have had their parents get re-married and going through the drama and heart ache that brings.
*having to watch a parent go through a 2nd divorce.
*having to watch a parent put up your new sister for adoption knowing that the current marriage and living situation is not healthy for a baby to be in. and not knowing when you are going to see her again.
*having one of your parents and their spouse hate your other parent; even after its been YEARS later of little, or no drama. The lies that are brought up between parents.
*losing a sibling to "emancipating" themselves at 17 and hardly seeing them while they were "gone" for 2 years.
*losing another sibling to drugs, and lies, and bitterness and having them hate you for caring for them.
*having to watch a parent move away when you would want to keep them in your pocket with you if it were possible.
*having to watch/listen to that parent with the struggles of starting all over again.

And this is only touching the surface.

There is only SO much a strong person can endure, and I feel I am getting to the end of my rope. I don't want to be strong anymore; I'm done. I hate putting up with all the things I do. But, what other choice do I have? I really thought getting married would change a lot of these things, but, I'm still as poor as I was growing up, if not poorer. Family drama is the worst its ever been. The only difference is I'm not alone anymore, and that makes the biggest difference in the world. I really don't know where I would be without Dallin. He is my hero. He rescued me from myself. I was on the edge of a very dark place in my life, all I had to do was take the plunge. I probably would be into drugs at this point and who knows what else. And I KNOW thats the path I would be on right now. I am a big pessimist, but, I do have things to be grateful for.
*Dallin; the love of my life and my hero.
*my mom; she is the best friend anyone could ask for!
*my dog; being there for me when no one else was.
*some of my extended family; they are a blessing in my life!
*a loving and forgiving heavenly father; if he was not forgiving, I don't know where I would be in my life.

My only hope is, is that when Dallin and I do start our own family, I do not want them to have a life even CLOSE to mine! They need a happy life. If it cost me to go through hell for them to not know what hell feels like, I will take it! Plus, I don't think I could bear to go through it again. There are only so many times a heart can break and try to mend its self again. Because of all the things I have gone through, I can relate to a lot of things and I try my best to help those along the way.