Marriage

You know, this whole weekend of the gay community being able to get married in Utah has got me thinking. We predominantly live in a society who thinks marriage is simply a piece of paper, where a couple would rather cohabitate than commit to each other. Divorce rates are dropping simply because less and less people are choosing to get married. As a result, families are either becoming nonexistent or they are being targeted and torn apart and leaving extreme emotional scars on the children of the future who are supposed to take care of us when my generation gets old.... how is this comforting? How can so many straight people want this life? I'm actually in awe of the LGTB community. All they've been able to do is cohabitate, and that hasn't been enough for them. They actually want to commit to each other, to be a family! How admirable is that!? I love that there are actually people out there who care about the commitment of marriage. Instead of being discriminating and hateful, I think we should marvel at the example this group of people are setting. The straight community could learn a lot from their mindset; we need to not take marriage for granted! It is a God given right and sacred bond that gets trashed and misused everyday. I'm grateful there are people still fighting for that desire that seemed to have become "unpopular". 

2013

Here it is the end of March, my 2nd post of the year; which is un-like me. This year has already proven to be difficult; I honestly hope the worst is behind us and that this year can progressively become better. There have been some good things that have happened:

Foto Fly

We went to Foto Fly several days ago for updated pictures. As always, the pictures turn out awesome, the price is awesome and the service is great. Here's a few for you to see :D They're only my personal favorites. 

 The husband wanted head shots because you know, he wants to get famous or something?

P.S. I cut and colored my hair a few days before this. So, these are the best pics you are gonna get of my new 'do! 

Mrs. Ashley Marie Ford

Surprised? Yes as you should be. You're probably wondering why I would post a blog about myself? That's a very good question which deserves a very legitimate answer. The truth is, this isn't your average-everyday blogger signing back on for another regular post. This is a blogger taking over who has never posted a blog before.... until now. Ashley has been out of town since August 3rd and won't get back for another few days. So, in the meantime, I plan to take over and steal all her fans away while she's gone! Mwahahaha!! Okay, just kidding, not really. I'm pretty sure most of you have either guessed correctly by now. If you are still wondering who this is and why they are stealing the blogging spotlight from the one and only, you'll find out soon enough. 

Well, your questions will be answered in due time, but for now all you need to know is this blog is about a special someone named

 Ashley Marie Ford.

She was born on July 7th 1988. She is the oldest of 10 siblings (a mix of kids in a blended family either by marriage, or birthed from other parents.) 

She was married on 09/09/09 to Dallin Ford.

Early Life & Persistence

She grew up in Sandy, UT. She has had a very hard life from the get go. She struggled with learning and school at an early age while her younger siblings excelled in school. Her mother thought she would be the only one to drop out of school because of these problems. She overcame her obstacles and was the only one that ended graduating high school (in 2007) while her siblings in actuality ended up dropping out of school. (One has diploma from 2nd attended high school) She had a hard family life having to experience heart ache and depression from family trauma and divorce growing up. But she's made it this far and continues to persist in even the roughest of times.

Animal Lover

Ever since Ashley was young, she has always loved animals. They have been apart of her life and still are to this day and always will be. Her favorite is dogs but she loves all animals in general. She has had multiple pets growing up and has lost many along the way. Her most current pet is her little doggy Gizmo that she loves more than ever.

Even while struggling financially she volunteered at No More Homeless Pets every week because of her passion for animals was so strong.

Music and Books

Ashley has an amazing voice, she is one of the only members in her family that is very talented and blessed with a beautiful singing voice. She has been in multiple choirs throughout her life. From high school choirs, to being a part of the renowned Salt Lake Symphonic Choir, to even auditioning for American Idol. Music has always played a huge role in her life. One of her favorite bands (just to name 1 of many) is Linkin Park. She loves Linkin Park!

She also loves reading, she has a wide selection of fantasy books that she has read over and over. She has always been a huge book worm and continues to read from time to time to this day. One of her favorite books (also just to name one of many) is Harry Potter. For those of you that don't already know, this is her current Facebook profile picture as we speak actually!

Gamer Girl

It's fun to have someone that you can play video games with. Especially when you hear that that someone is a girl. Ashley's always been into gaming unlike most girls you'll come across. Which I think is pretty awesome and it makes most people jealous. Her whole family has always been big gamers. Her and her mother used to have regular "Halo Party's"! Believe it or not her GRANDMA is the one that got her family into gaming in the first place. Halo and Left 4 Dead and Portal are some of Ashley's all time favorites.

Halo

Left 4 Dead

Portal

Honesty

Ever since I've known Ashley she has always been a 100% honest person. She's one of those people that literally can't lie. She sometimes gets her self into trouble because of her being so truthful on certain matters; but with that being said, that isn't exactly a bad thing. There are very few people left that I know of that are as honest as this girl, she has a Christ-like countenance about her that glows when it comes to honesty. That is just one of many Christ-like attributes that she possesses.

Unconditional Love & Obedience

Ashley has a big heart, a very BIG heart. When it comes to unconditional love she tops the cake. No matter who it is, where they came from, what they're story is she loves and continues to love after that. Whether it's people or animals it doesn't matter. She shows it with her family, she shows it with friends, and even people that she has just met. She looks past the judgmental side of things and demonstrates a great love for her fellowmen. Another Christ-like attribute that glimmers about her. Also another attribute that is very rare these days. Early in her life when growing up she has always struggled with church in her life. She was active for a while, then had a big gap of being less-active because of family matters and divorce being present as previously mentioned. She never had good examples in her life when it came to church activity. But that being said that didn't change her obedience within. She has a very obedient soul about her. She just struggled because there was no one to support her so she fell away for a time being. When I met her I could tell that there was a hunger for obedience, which is miraculous because when someone falls away for as long as she did it takes them just as long to come back to the path, but not her. She was able to almost instantaneously, and that is something I truly am grateful for because obedience is a hard thing to develop. She shined with obedience and was an example to her whole family by coming back and going through the temple, being sealed, and continuing to serve with dignity in all of her callings in the church to this very day without fail. Since then her father has been able to enter the temple again after falling away for a very long time. Her grandma (same mentioned above) has joined the church and was baptized, and also entered the temple about a month ago. And I believe it has all been because of her great obedient example that she continues show day to day.

****

Well hopefully by now my blog writing skills have been up to par at this point, knowing that "most" of the readers that come here are going to be of the women audience. Hopefully I blended in well and the thought of  a male blogging didn't come as to big of a shock to your minds. But yes it's true, this is Dallin. (Ashley's husband) I'm grateful for this opportunity to tell you guys some basic facts about this wonderful woman, as it only seems fair since she filled you in about me in a previous blog, here. Who knows maybe I'll be back? 

Thank you wifey for all that you do.

Mr. Dallin Fletcher Ford

      It seems every girl blog that I "blog stalk" follow has dedicated at least 1 post to their significant other (husband). I haven't done it nor really had the desire or inspiration to do so; 'til now. 

      He was born 11/09/86. He was named after Dallin H. Oaks. His middle name is his moms maiden name and he is the 2nd oldest of 4 boys. 

We first met each other at 

and then he went on his mission to 

Those are just some basic facts.

      Dallin and I are quite opposite on many spectrums: he is completely silly and goofy, he is good with kids, he can and prefers to drive a stick, he's not a big reader or music junky, he is a huge cat lover (I seriously think he considers himself to be the "cat whisperer"), he loves to figure out how tech-y stuff works, etc. He has quite a few little quirks about him that I LOVE that he absolutely has no control over: I love how not hairy he is (unlike the boys in my family *shudder*), his eye color (between both of our eye colors, I think our children are going to have gorgeous eyes!), he grew up not being a sports fan and I absolutely LOVE that! I HATE sports! He's never had a desire to join the military (which I don't think he could anyway with his asthma and allergies, even if he wanted to), he's not short and not freakishly tall, and he is a great cook! 

      Now to the point I'm finally getting to, he is also an extremely hard worker. This is a part of him that I don't think I appreciate enough. With the aspect that he is very silly, he hardly ever complains when I do the exact opposite. It takes a lot for things to get to him - unlike me. So, when he gets down, he gets down. It's probably one of the saddest things for me to see; for me to see him sad and depressed. He doesn't quit until he gets what he wants; when he's been jobless in the past, he didn't stop looking, except to sleep, until he found a job. It amazes me because I know I don't have that kind of determination. And if there is a specific job in mind he wants, he doesn't stop until he gets it - he doesn't "settle" like I do. Most of 2010, we were barely scrapping by. Dallin, I think, was working at JC Penny's and America First and/or Dominos. He was also going to school on top of all that, AND he donated plasma twice a week just so we could get an extra $200 a month. He did this for months. Just so we could attempt to pay rent and our bills. Most of that year, we were going to the bishops store house because we simply could not afford groceries. (We've actually hardly gone grocery shopping our whole marriage.) 

      Now, he's at a job we both hate, where it takes a physical toll on his body almost 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. He has no benefits and we hardly see each other during the week, because pretty much when he is not working, he is sleeping. He'd get another job, but, where will we find him another job that guarantees hours and pays $13 + an hour and can get over time? This is our current pickle - neither of us have a degree so, we can't exactly get a great job. Dallin got lucky with it when he did, but, he's done. He's the only LDS person there and he's tired of being around guys that swear profanities all day and are very derogatory towards women. Hopefully he won't have to work there much longer, but, we don't whats written in the stars for us. This is just one other reason why I'm grateful that now is not our time to bring children in the world; what a mess they'd be born into! Hopefully we both will soon be on a path that will lead to a happier place. 

Thank you, Hubby, for all that you do. 

Why We Believe in

From a religious/LDS perspective and from an individual's independent perspective.

12 ways to have a Happy, Healthy Marriage.

Found this article online. 

http://lds.about.com/od/1/tp/marriagearticle.htm

It was a good article. I now just know how bad we are struggling. The only 2 that we are not doing the opposite of is 11 and 12, all others, we're do the opposite of what it says.

Maybe this can help someone else.

Inspiration and Fear

Have you ever read someone elses words or hear the just right music that you needed to hear and just get totally inspired to write or say something and you get all geared up to do so? and then when that moment arrives for you to start, you don't know what to say? That is where I'm at right now. My inspiration? HERE. This is a friends of mine from high school - blog; she has a beautiful playlist as well, so if you are going to check it out, please turn up the volume. I love her writing. Totally beautiful and inspiring and I wish I could write like she does. (Writing is something I would love to develop and turn into a talent.) 

I've had a lot of things on my mind the last couple weeks and most of those thoughts are on the line of me feeling insecure or scared about one matter or another. I can't help feeling scared for my/our future. I also can't help but wonder what my Heavenly Father has in store for me. I know he created me to be able to withstand lots of trials and tribulations and the strength to endure to the end of them and for when the next one is about to begin. I don't cry that much because I grew up that 'crying is a weakness' and it shows defeat during a hardship, so, I just have to endure and swallow those tears so they never see the surface. In doing so, I bottle up all the emotions that are associated with crying, and they explode into the opposite emotions of what crying is affiliated with. So, in mind that I have the shell of a knight on the outside, what more am I to endure?

We are very anti children right now. But, I like to look at baby clothes and names and such, anyway. I do not do this in hopes of having a child right now, I do this in hopes to suppress the little voice nagging me at the back of my mind; the voice wondering if I can even become pregnant, at all. We have not been trying to get pregnant, but, we have not been trying to prevent it, either. The more that time goes by, the more this voice scares me. The more that time goes by, the more other people ask the same question the voice is - the more fear is being struck in me. 

Next month is our 2 year anniversary. I can't believe it's only been 2 years, it's felt like an eternity already. It's definitely been the longest 2 years of my life. More times than not, I wonder if we are going to make it. We are definitely fighters - not lovers. I struggle with those who visualize marriage as 'perfection' or in the view that ' all your problems are going to be solved and its going to be absolute bliss' because, its not. For me, marriage is not 'the best' and I have always had a hard time comprehending how people can say that. The 'glamour' of marriage has long but faded away for me. I did not grow up with a good example of marriage, so, I don't know what a healthy one looks like. The only 2 marriages I have seen that I have been in 'Awe' over are 1 of my aunt and uncles and 1 step aunt and uncle. (I'm not naming names because I don't mean to or want to hurt anyone's feelings as I have unknowingly done so in the past.)

 All I want (right now) is for Dallin to figure what he wants to do, I want an education, I don't want either of us to have crap jobs anymore and I desperately want our own place. We have lived with family our whole marriage, and because of this, we have been unable to flourish our relationship which has done nothing except hold us back. Its been the cause of many awful fights and tears and heartache. The thing I wish the most from all of this is: I wish we dated a LOT longer - just in hopes that maybe, hopefully, we could have avoided some of the things we have gone through. But, I know that its not possible and all we can do is to keep trudging the muddy swamp we are in right now and just keep going until we are out of it.

What to say???

Just did some 'blog stalking' and read a lot of great blogs and now I feel like blogging but, I don't know what to say. I HAVE been meaning to take a picture of our room, but, it's STILL not done. It's half way painted, so, 1/2 of the room looks nice! I wish I took a pic before so we could have some before and afters. Dallin still works at May Foundry from 6am - 2:20pm every weekday. I just got a 2nd job, so, now I work at Arby's (where I'm training to be a shift manager - and no I am not getting a huge pay increase), MicaBella Cosmetics (a sales position at a kiosk where no one wants to talk to you.) it makes me somewhat happy to be having a job NOT food related - just hate that its sales, but I love the fact that I can work with make up! and technically if you want to include these, I have my DoTerra (this is the one thing that I am SUPER stoked about!) that I am slowly working towards being more involved in, that we could count as a 3rd job, and then there is 'my photography' we could count as a 4th, but, I'm about to give up on that. I have made a photography blog, a page on FB, business cards, you name it! and I get nothing. I have offered free engagements, bridals, mock shoots, etc., and NO ONE is interested. I just don't know what to do with it anymore. I know I am not 'super amazing' but, I'm not bad either! I can't get better unless I practice, and thats just not happening. The more I think about it, the more I just want to delete everything and get rid of my equipment. . . 

I also volunteer at NoMoreHomelessPets at least once a week. I LOVE those doggies! It makes me so sad to see them in the kennel week after week. People - PLEASE whenever you get another animal, PLEASE adopt and save a life! Everybody knows about the Humane society, but, no one knows about NMHP, and the other animal life saving groups. Please go to shelters who put animals down at the end of every month and save their lives! So many animals need to be rescued and everyone just wants puppies/kittens. Please, rescue an animal, get them fixed so we can STOP the rate of the pet over population problem. I know with all of this, I sound super busy. I am, but I'm not, I'm busy enough now that I never see Dallin - which is a good AND bad thing. But, when he goes to bed between 8 and 9 about every night, and IF I am home, I have absolutely nothing to do. We just have our room, and when he is sleeping, its not like I can clean or something. 

I am LOADS happier living here, so, the rut/depression I was in is pretty much gone, so, I am not so miserable anymore. But, because of the past 2 years of me being so depressed, I feel like I have pushed everyone away from me. I feel like the only friends I have are my husbands friends. They are the only people we associate with that we see or talk to on a regular or semi regular basis. Excluded from this list - MY friend wise is Gato, Candice, and Karissa. There are 1 or 2 others, but, interaction with them is a lot less than the previous listed. I have been thinking about my 'friend issue' for months and re-thinking who I want to keep involved in my life, who REALLY are friends, and who is only worth seeing at High School reunions.  I DO want friends and a social life and I feel bad depending on my husband and his friends for my social life, because he needs his alone time with his friends, but, if this is how its going to be, so be it. I just hate that once you get married, you lose SO many good friends, and over time, that number seems to increase. Yes, I may have my husband, but, you need you time and friend time, too; and him - the same.

 I don't view my husband as my best friend - he is my husband. For me, it takes a lot for someone to be at "best friend" status, and what it took for my hubby to be my hubby, took other things - to me they are not the same. It's been an adjustment living here because at the trailer, all the fights we would have would be "sibling induced' fights since they were the core of our issues living there. Here, we don't have that problem and now we are FINALLY able to get to the root of our problems and slowly figure them out and finally start to get to know each other. I just want this 'adjustment' time over - its taking forever!  I think we are going to live here for awhile, which, is going to be hard to accept, but, we are in a LOT of debt and NOW is the time to take advantage of that. I just hope from here, we can feel happier in our marriage and progress better as a couple and as individuals. 

Sorry that this turned out as long as it did! I apparently had more on my mind than I thought I did. So, if you made it this far, might as well leave a comment ;)

THANKS! 

Tests, trials, and struggles.

Today we had a wonderful Father's Day and spent the day with both our fathers and families today. Then we left our last get together early, since we had eaten at the previous get together and were not hungry, to spend the rest of our weekend  together. We relaxed by watching a movie and reading from our books (I like reading together! Even though we are both reading our own books right now.). Before Dallin went to bed, since his work week begins at 5 AM tomorrow morning, we sat and talked for a little bit. It was a good talk - not a happy talk, but, things were brought up that we need to sort out. It helped me to understand my husband better and helped us realize our current situation into a conscious reality. We have struggled our entire marriage and have not had an easy moment - once. Most couples start out struggling and then work together to get to better stages and places, where, we have gone quite the opposite. We realize that we are all given trials for a reason, especially me with the things I grew up with, but, we are TIRED of struggling. We realize that you don't just get married and instantly get a top of the line house, car, job, education, or kids right away (except for a few people I know), but, is it NOT realistic to at least have your OWN place to call home after almost 2 years of marriage?! We LOVE our family, but, we are TIRED of living with them. It kills me that my own brother and sister have been able to get their own place and we can't; and WE'RE MARRIED!!! There have been a few times where I thought we were heading towards divorce because of the high-stress situations we have been in and have had no privacy or no means to truly take care of our own selves. We are barely making enough money to pay the monthly bills we still have and don't really know how to save enough in a decent amount of time to get our own place. We are both just very discouraged right now. It's even harder knowing that I am the "pessimist" out of the 2 of us and with Dallin being the "optimist" and him usually being the one saying "It will be ok, we can do this.", you know it's a difficult situation when he is the one feeling the despair, heavily sighing into his hands, softly saying in a broken voice, "What are we going to do?"