The Ashley you know and love, is back!

Sorry for the long hiatus everyone, but, it was necessary. Most of you know that my life started going down hill a year ago last December. 2013 has been anything but a kind year to me. Honestly, I'd say that I was seriously mentally unwell for about 9 months of this entire year. All my mental illnesses went from mild/moderate to severe, and I heavily considered suicide more times than I'd like to admit. I admitted myself to a psych ward for almost a week in the beginning of the year and that was a very.... educational and traumatizing experience. I left that place feeling terrified going back out into the world and with more prescriptions than I came in with. Through out the course of the year,  I learned I couldn't trust almost everyone I thought I was close to and I had to start again at ground 0 to build new friendships and relationships. I have been subject, over the course of my life to now, to every form of abuse. Basically ever since March, I've had extreme difficulty finding a descent a stable job. In July, I got diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, commonly known as P.C.O.S Depending on the severity of the disease, it can render some women completely infertile, and I don't know how severe I am and probably won't know until I want to get pregnant, which is now years away for me.  As you can see, I've had a horrible year.  

As I've had many low points this past year, I've had some high points as well. I am now on only one medication and it has nothing to do with mental illness. I happened to be blessed with a descent job about a month ago, and I love it! I had the opportunity to go to school this semester and I have loved my class! (I'm actually really bummed that the semester is over.) I gratefully never became homeless and hungry because of my wonderful mom and sister being there for me, no matter what, as true family members should be. I also had the opportunity to make one of my dreams come true; I got to work at Nightmare on 13th (a local haunted, haunted house), and be part of the Nightmare crew, but we like to call each other family. :) **as a side note; to get hired at Nightmare,  it's a 4 step audition process, and this was the hardest new hire year they had because so many nightmare veterans returned. So the fact that I got a part there was nothing short of amazing!** Through out the year, I've had a few extremely kind and giving men, that were either complete strangers to me or distant acquaintances, just give me money, and we're not talking 20 dollar bills, either. I've had other kind people fill my gas tank, give me food for my animals when I ran out, and give me gift cards as well. I know I'm missing a few others simply because I'm choosing to not mention them because they are personal to me or they temporarily slipped my mind, but, you get the picture! I've been on the receiving end of great charity and service that I will not forget. Through out my humble circumstances, I feel incredibly blessed, loved, and fortunate in my life. There are some days I forget, but, I'm human; I'm definitely more grateful than not. I happened to also have the opportunity again to work with a man I truly love and admire: Marshall McDonald. If you don't know who he is, I'd suggest you Google and YouTube him right now! He is currently the choir director at the Taylorsville Institute at SLCC's Redwood Campus. He has a day (audition) choir and a night (anyone) choir. I got to be in the day choir for a 3rd time (I've been in this choir on and off for 5 ish years). I had had promptings all year long that I needed to 'seek healing through music', and choir was an answer to prayer. Not only did I have amazing experiences, like meeting/singing for General Authorities in person, I got to meet amazing people. People who I am proud to call my friends. This semester has quite literally changed my life! My circumstances are basically the same, but my outlook has changed because I allowed the Gospel and goodness back in my life. I've been called to seek forgiveness and as of right now, it is currently the biggest challenge I'm working through. If I can walk through hell and come out with no visible damage, and still be able to testify of the Truth and Beauty of the Gospel, then you can do it, too! Remember, Heavenly Father loves you.

My Single Bucket List

I want to be smarter this time around with being single. I want to do things right and not rush a thing. Here's a list of things I'd like to accomplish by time I marry again:

• Go on a Mission. (If that is something I'm meant to do.)
• Complete school. English Major. My desire to learn ASL is creeping back, as well.
• Become a spiritual giant. 
• Enjoy life and not take things for granted.
• Be more grateful, and charitable.
• Update my blog once a week.
• LOSE WEIGHT. I am finally motivated to make this happen. I want to be a new me.
• Exercise. Yoga, swim, boxing, etc. I want to do it!

I really just want to put my life in the Lords hands. I've never done that before. I want to love and trust again; in both Heavenly Father and humanity. 

"If the Devil is real, then God must be real, too."

Photo Credit

If you don't already know, I'm diagnosed with depression, anxiety, OCD, and I have a hormone imbalance. ALL these things mess with my emotions, hence why I feel like I am a 24/7 wreck. It doesn't help that I've been yo-yo dieting and have had so many prescriptions in the last 3 months that Dallin is going nuts. 

Pretty much since being told in December that I'm at high risk for

Come what may.... came.

Did I jinx myself? 'Come what may'..... yeah, I'm REALLY good at putting my foot in my mouth. Remember this post of mine on Motherhood in August? There's another side of my 'motherhood' insecurity that I didn't mention.... and it's one that I don't really talk about in case of taboo; you know, when you don't want to say something out loud in fear that the opposite will happen according to what you really want to happen? Yeah, it's one of those things. Well, I go without talking about it and it happens anyway.... so much for taboo.

I'd like to assume everyone knows about my current predicament, but, that would be ignorant of me (is that the right word I wanted to use?) so, I will re-inform all my readers like no one knows. 

During the first week of December, I went in and saw

Blessings

Things over the past few weeks have been answers to prayers. My prayers have been more prayers in my heart; I'm making a goal to do better with personal prayers. So, I'm sure for those who have been praying for us - those have been answered as well. I've been meaning to blog for awhile, but I've been so busy. I guess everything starts back at the start of August, but, I think I'll hold your attention captive and save that for another time. 

The past few weeks, I can see the Lords hand has been involved in my life; I can only hope I can be humble and give the gratitude he deserves. My 2 vacations were much needed and memorable. My job has been a HUGE blessing! My mom moved back home, and I feel many things fell in place for our house. 

First off, I can't say how perfect my job is; it's everything I've wanted in a job and more.

Our house. *sigh* Can I tell you when my Realtor called and told us that we got the house - I can't believe I didn't cry! This-house-is-PERFECT! Yes, it's in Magna, but, it's the nicest neighborhood I've seen in Magna. It's the perfect size, a central location between both of our jobs, and everything I wanted in a house. My biggest 3 things was I wanted an open floor plan, a 2nd bathroom, and a fenced yard. The sellers also let us keep the fridge, stove, microwave, and dish washer - the ONLY thing we need to buy is a washer and dryer. The house is move in ready. I can't think of a better place to start our first ever home together. :) 

P.S. This wasn't as detailed as I wanted it to be because it is getting late and I am tired, so, hopefully I will add on later. :D goodnight. 

Motherhood

I have always been incredibly indecisive with how I feel about children and being a mother. Originally, when I was younger, I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, let alone even having kids! I used to be very feminist. (I still am sexist though, to my own odd, extent.) Since then, I've been chastised many times (nicely of course) that being a mother is the most important thing I will do in my life. When we were first married, I was very caught up in what other couples were doing; they did something, so, I 'had' to do it, too. Having children was one of those many things. I stressed myself out by putting pressure on myself on things I thought I should be doing; I felt obligated to have a child. When I realized how adolescent my thought process was, I flipped a 180° and decided that I never wanted to have children.

I guess, in a way, we have it easy. Dallin's older brother and his wife had their 3rd baby in April, and they aren't done having kids, so, there is really no pressure on the Ford side to have kids.

 As my sister is pregnant with her 3rd child and I have young siblings, there isn't any pressure on my side of the family, either.

My baby sister - isn't she the cutest!?

I do however find it funny that the moms aren't grand baby hungry and the dads are! The couple times we've had scares and I told my dad we might be pregnant, his eyes lit up like Christmas trees; he loves babies! He loves being a grandpa, too. 

Isn't this the most adorable picture, ever?

The past year has completely burned me out. If I was simple before, I'm plain now. Certain things just don't bother me as much as they used to. I'm more easily satisfied with smaller, simpler things. I'm realizing what really is important and what isn't. 

Me and Aeros. My 2nd youngest nephew (for now).

This little boy owns my heart. He is the most beautiful baby boy I've ever laid eyes on! (But, Rasmussen's make good lookin' babies anyway ;) ) Between him, my baby sister, and my other little nephew, I'm always holding a baby at a family function. 

I'm officially baby hungry. And I'm OK with it. I no longer get anxiety attacks thinking that we don't have a place to call our own, or that neither of us have a career/education, or that we are dirt poor. Even though now is not the time for us to start our family, it's OK. I feel ready. Now, I just have to be patient and wait when Heavenly Father is ready to bless us with a family. Whether it's our own biological children or not. Everything happens for a reason. I only hope I have the strength to continue down the path we are on and that I have the faith needed for what lies ahead.

Come What May. 

Aspire Higher

Why We Believe in

From a religious/LDS perspective and from an individual's independent perspective.

Sophie Stardust and Oreo.

It's been just over 3 weeks since Yoda died. Seems like so much more time has elapsed since then. 

Almost a week ago, on November 28th, Dallin and I had a fight. I hadn't eaten all day, so, that was just more fuel on the fire. (I'm one of those that "has" to leave to cool off.) I said I was going to leave about 3 times until I finally did. So, I stormed out determined to go cool off and to satisfy my hunger. On my way out of the neighborhood, I almost ran a cat over. (I've ran over a cat before and its way sad so, I'm more aware now when I drive.) I stopped and this cat just would not move. So, I decided to hop out of the car and walk towards it... surely that would send the cat scampering away. NOPE. This cat, instead, greets me and starts head-butting my legs and rubbing against me. So, I turn on my hazards so other cars knew I was stopped and I picked this cat up and moved it to the side walk so no one else would almost hit her. When we reach the sidewalk, she simply kept rubbing my legs. How could you be livid when something so sweet just loves you? I was fuming when I left the house and she instantaneously put out the fire that had been raging inside my chest just moments before. 

I didn't know what to do in that moment. I didn't want to leave her, so, I looked around and did not see a soul in sight so, I decided to take her with me. I continued on to Subway. She climbed every square inch of my car on the drive over. Then I had the problem of not knowing what I was going to do when I returned home. I wound up calling Dallin and told him to come out to my car. There, we decided that we would take her in and see if we could find some owners. We figured she had to be owned because for 1. she is still very young, for 2. she is super friendly and sweet, and for 3. she is a Scottish Fold; which is a very expensive cat breed.

Tonight, I received a call from a woman saying that she found our Found Cat Ad on KSL, and sure enough, Sophie Stardust (our would-be chosen name for her if no one claimed her) or Oreo, her real name, was their cat; or her daughters cat. 

 It's just peculiar that I happen to find her by almost running her over, after Dallin and I had a fight, me leaving the fight the moment I did, Yoda dying almost 2 weeks before, and Dallin saying that the only cat he would want after Yoda is a Scottish Fold and I happen to almost run over one?! I seriously just can't believe the timing of it all. We may have only had her here for 6 days, but, I can't help but to feel that she was meant to come into our lives; even if it was only for a short time. The more I think about it, the more blessed I feel. I just feel good that I was able to 'pass it forward' by helping someone re-claim their lost, beloved pet. I say 'pay it forward' because almost 2 years ago, I lost my Gizmo. If it wasn't for a kind soul and KSL, I never would have gotten him back! 

Thank you, OREO for crossing my path and entering our lives.

12 ways to have a Happy, Healthy Marriage.

Found this article online. 

http://lds.about.com/od/1/tp/marriagearticle.htm

It was a good article. I now just know how bad we are struggling. The only 2 that we are not doing the opposite of is 11 and 12, all others, we're do the opposite of what it says.

Maybe this can help someone else.

Inspiration and Fear

Have you ever read someone elses words or hear the just right music that you needed to hear and just get totally inspired to write or say something and you get all geared up to do so? and then when that moment arrives for you to start, you don't know what to say? That is where I'm at right now. My inspiration? HERE. This is a friends of mine from high school - blog; she has a beautiful playlist as well, so if you are going to check it out, please turn up the volume. I love her writing. Totally beautiful and inspiring and I wish I could write like she does. (Writing is something I would love to develop and turn into a talent.) 

I've had a lot of things on my mind the last couple weeks and most of those thoughts are on the line of me feeling insecure or scared about one matter or another. I can't help feeling scared for my/our future. I also can't help but wonder what my Heavenly Father has in store for me. I know he created me to be able to withstand lots of trials and tribulations and the strength to endure to the end of them and for when the next one is about to begin. I don't cry that much because I grew up that 'crying is a weakness' and it shows defeat during a hardship, so, I just have to endure and swallow those tears so they never see the surface. In doing so, I bottle up all the emotions that are associated with crying, and they explode into the opposite emotions of what crying is affiliated with. So, in mind that I have the shell of a knight on the outside, what more am I to endure?

We are very anti children right now. But, I like to look at baby clothes and names and such, anyway. I do not do this in hopes of having a child right now, I do this in hopes to suppress the little voice nagging me at the back of my mind; the voice wondering if I can even become pregnant, at all. We have not been trying to get pregnant, but, we have not been trying to prevent it, either. The more that time goes by, the more this voice scares me. The more that time goes by, the more other people ask the same question the voice is - the more fear is being struck in me. 

Next month is our 2 year anniversary. I can't believe it's only been 2 years, it's felt like an eternity already. It's definitely been the longest 2 years of my life. More times than not, I wonder if we are going to make it. We are definitely fighters - not lovers. I struggle with those who visualize marriage as 'perfection' or in the view that ' all your problems are going to be solved and its going to be absolute bliss' because, its not. For me, marriage is not 'the best' and I have always had a hard time comprehending how people can say that. The 'glamour' of marriage has long but faded away for me. I did not grow up with a good example of marriage, so, I don't know what a healthy one looks like. The only 2 marriages I have seen that I have been in 'Awe' over are 1 of my aunt and uncles and 1 step aunt and uncle. (I'm not naming names because I don't mean to or want to hurt anyone's feelings as I have unknowingly done so in the past.)

 All I want (right now) is for Dallin to figure what he wants to do, I want an education, I don't want either of us to have crap jobs anymore and I desperately want our own place. We have lived with family our whole marriage, and because of this, we have been unable to flourish our relationship which has done nothing except hold us back. Its been the cause of many awful fights and tears and heartache. The thing I wish the most from all of this is: I wish we dated a LOT longer - just in hopes that maybe, hopefully, we could have avoided some of the things we have gone through. But, I know that its not possible and all we can do is to keep trudging the muddy swamp we are in right now and just keep going until we are out of it.

Our 4th and being Grateful

I have been in awe that it is already July. I'm not ready for 2011 to be half over! So much has happened in this past year, I can't believe it! So much has happened - period!

I had a great 2nd and 4th of July, but, the odd days were not so great. I had a couple of stress and anxiety attacks. The 2nd and 4th were filled with fun and family. On the 2nd, Dallin and I woke early to go Volunteer with an adoption event with No More Homeless Pets (where I have been volunteering at since March) and I wanted Dallin to come to see a little bit of what I do and to see my doggies :)

This is one of the dogs, her name is Reba and I absolutely adore her! Dallin is sitting behind her. I wish I could take her home. 

We were at Liberty Park for the event and we has a Paw-rade and everything! I thought it was a great way to start our 4th weekend! After we got home, we got ready and went to Rivertons fair where we played BINGO for some prizes; that pavilion was PACKED! The Ford's had great luck! There where easily over a hundred people in there trying to win awesome prizes and my hubby won, his older brother Jae, my mother in law Denise won something and my father in law Kevin won twice! I got close many times, but, never did. They won gift certificates to restaurants and such - there were great prizes! Then we came home again, we packed up Kevin's van, or as the boys like to call it, the "crap-mobile", and we headed to Provo to go eat at The Creamery and off to the Stadium of Fire. (Denise gets discounted tickets through her work and goes every year with the fam.) The boys aren't fans of country music, so, there was a lot of bickering and fighting during the concert, so, it was relief when the fireworks started and it was a great show! My favorite part is after :). They always park in the field next to the stadium and while everyone is honking their horns and impatiently waiting to get out, we pull out or lawn chairs and our cooler full of snacks and pop-a-squat on the grass and chill and play tag and catch :) everyone watches and wishes they thought of it, too. I LOVE watching Dallin playing with his family :) They can fight hard core, but, when they are having fun - they HAVE FUN. Dallin's dad is SUPER healthy and fit and for a man in his 50's, he sure can keep up with the boys! They laugh and have so much fun and its fun to watch :)

 On the 4th, we had a family get together at my grandma's. She lives right by a big park and the Peace Garden's are pretty much her back yard in Salt Lake. So, we had great parking and view for the fireworks at her place. After the city fireworks, I get a phone call from Candice and her BF just broke up with her. Some of the reasons he said were some of the biggest deuche bag excuses I have ever heard and I am glad that they are over because I think he would have screwed her over more if they stayed together longer. So, she came to meet me at my Grandma's house where my family was starting to wrap up our 4th celebrations and she just cried while I held her. After she was able to calm down a bit, she let us blow up her fireworks that she had and the boys probably had too much fun with them, but, it started show #2 and people stopped to watch :).

This is us at my Grandma's. This is the only pic I took of us and its AWFUL quality; this is the best I could do to 'save' it. 

Before everyone took off to go home, I pulled my brother aside (This is the first time I have talked to/seen him since he moved and since 'we' have been 'feuding')  to talk to him to explain why I was upset and how he hurt my feelings and apologized. I missed my brother, but, I'm done being taken advantage of, so, to me, this was necessary. I'm glad we are on talking terms again, though.

Yesterday, Candice and I celebrated her birthday since she was out of town on her birthday on the 1st. I was happy that she able to be with her family on her birthday because she NEVER sees them. We went out and had some ice cream and talked and met up later with Dallin and a good friend of ours, Jared, and the 4 of us had a quick bite and laugh at Applebees and then went and saw the new Transformers. It was AWESOME! Transformers is Dallin's favorite childhood comic/cartoon and he was SO excited to finally see it! After the movies were over, I starting drooling over the Harry Potter posters and hugging them :D I can't WAIT to see it 9 days!!!! 

Between the 4th of July, apologizing to my brother, a blog I read, and a conversation Dallin and I had last night, I am very grateful for this country (though I still STRONGLY dislike our government and politicians), the gospel, and family; 3 things I love but definitely don't express enough gratitude towards. 

I'm grateful that we were commanded to forgive others. It's not an easy thing to do, but, it keeps us humble and we are step-by-step turned into better individuals and it helps us to stop ourselves from judging others. 

Hope you all had a fun and safe 4th and are doing well on your journey in becoming more Christlike. 

What kind of person are you?

Honestly, I should be a Psychiatrist, I over-analyze things WAY too much; but, I also think that is why I am more mature.

My mom and I were talking about Christ-Like attributes tonight, but, this has also been a topic thats been on my mind as of late. What are all of them? What are your strengths? What are your weak spots? What do you WANT to work on?

My personal Top 3 picks are:

*Constant Forgiveness

*Never Judges

and

*Unending and unfailing Love (Charity)

I may say I hate someone, but, I really don't. Writing is my form of letting the things out that get bottled up and "saying" my suppressions the way they "should" be said; that being stated, it is ALWAYS going to be exaggerated and I will make it sound worse than it is because I am a pessimist. (According to my sister-in-law, she says I'm a "REALIST", ha ha, THX Karen!)

Got it? OK, lets move on.

I have come to the conclusion that LDS people are more judgmental and non-LDS people are less judgmental. Why? Do you ask? Because in our SAFE LDS world we are protected from the "bad walks" in life, which leaves us ignorant and therefore to be more judgmental of what we "think" we know. Non-LDS people come from MANY bad walks in life so they are more understanding and less judgmental of you, which is why I think I have more non-member friends.

My WHOLE life I have tried to have friends from church or seminary but, no one seemed to want to have anything to do with me which is why I never felt like I belonged and that I was different. I feel more accepted and comfortable with non-LDS people. The few LDS friends I DO have, have come from some form of difficult backgrounds themselves and we have a mutual understanding of another and we know we can rely on each other. In all honesty, it REALLY is a miracle I am still an active member of this church. You really have no clue how true that is.

My Christlike goals: I want to be more loving, accepting, and forgiving of others and be more charitable.

I realize I may over share, be too negative, annoying, or whatever else, and I DO feel bad for myself because I don't have that many friends, but, I'd rather be true to me, be loved by God regardless, than pretend to be someone I'm not or be a hypocrite. I'm not going to act "holier than thou" and then not live it, thats WRONG. I realize I don't go to the temple often, say my prayers, read my scriptures, or have that much of a testimony right now, but, you know what? I know God loves me and is there no matter what and will greet me with open arms when ever I decide to embrace them. I may have my own internal struggles with the church, God, or myself, but, I can not imagine my life with out the church. Other churches are too confusing and pushy.

~I may not always love the people, but, I will ALWAYS love the Gospel.~

Here are 2 of my philosophy's to life:

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God to die to find out there isn't, than to live my life as if there isn't a God to die to find out there is."

"LIVE SIMPLY, LOVE GENEROUSLY, CARE DEEPLY, SPEAK KINDLY. AND LEAVE THE REST TO GOD."

Let our loving Heavenly Father and all sacrificing BROTHER jESUS Christ BE THE ULTIMATE JUDGE; NOT US.

wHAT WILL YOU CHOOSE?