I asked for too much.

I might as well be contemplating the Universe. My thoughts seem great, dark, and complex; more so than normal. I just don't understand.... why is the human race so cruel and blood thirty? Aren't we all children of a loving and wonderful Heavenly Father who is kind and forgiving? Don't we all, as humans want the same thing; to be happy? to love and be loved? to find (personal) peace? As a whole, why don't we treat each other so? Why are we judgmental? Why do we gossip and ridicule? Why are we violent in word and deed? WHY?!

 

Lonely. Lonely. Lonely.

That's all I feel.

I hate my life. I am so angry, all the time. Since anger is a secondary emotion, in reality, I'm hurting all the time. I feel like the world has beat me down and spit on me. I feel worthless, unwanted, rejected. I put myself out there, for multiple things to try to change things in my life, and all I get is dirt kicked in my face. How can things get better? Every time I make an effort to change an aspect of my life, it gets shoved back in my face, and I retreat further away. I try to see certain friends, I get blown off. I apply for a job that's supposedly hiring, they're actually not hiring. I keep being told to wait for basically everything that will make a difference in my life, when I needed positive change months ago. I give up, I don't care, I literally have no patience anymore. I put myself out there to connect or re-connect with people, I get ignored. I've been rejected by 2/3 of my own family, I had to find out through their immaturity or bitchiness that they are better off out of my life, so I say, '"Screw" you', to them. I own nothing. I live in a place where I get angry and argue almost every day because of a part of my ridiculous living situation. I literally can't afford gas to get away. I yell at my dogs all the time because I have no other source to vent my anger. I trust basically no one.

I've been relentlessly burned, isn't that enough? I have a disease that prevents me from having children, isn't it enough that I've been torn from a dream that I've always wanted? I literally had no friends show up to a surprise birthday party I had, isn't that enough to show how alone I am? Haven't I been kicked enough since I've been down? I can't even get up yet, but the kicks keep coming.

I'm at the point where I'm just going to push people away. I put myself out there, and I get hurt, what's the point of letting people in when all that will do is hurt me more? I'm clearly not wanted. It's clearly better if I'm just out of the way. Apparently I cause 'damage' to others, so, I'll just shut myself up so the only person I hurt is myself. Who will care? Clearly no one.

All I wanted was to be happy. To love, be loved. To have a family of my own.

Apparently, I asked for too much.

 

 

 

What to say?

I want to write. I do. I just don't know what to say. . . . 

I guess all I can really do is confirm that yes, Dallin and I are getting divorced. And it's horrible. All the crying, and sleepless nights. Being alone, losing friends, being disowned by family (unfortunately yes, my family is a piece of work). It's awful. I wouldn't wish this

Timing in the Music.

I have fallen in love with all the new songs that have been coming out recently. I don't ever remember liking so many new releases before. The thing I find interesting is how similar they are; they all seem to be about difficulties and hardships in relationships, yet I can't help loving them. They all speak to me, too. Maybe because I can relate somewhat and it soothes the aching in my heart. Some of them, as beautiful as they are, are completely haunting to me. I don't know why. 

I envy those who have had an easy life. . . .

(I feel like no one reads these or even checks this; I feel this is for me to pour my heart out to something that does not care, but, thats something that I'm used to.)
What people consider easy, is different per person. I'm not trying to have a pity party, but, I can't help it. (This is Ashley blogging) I have had a rough life. Everyone's story is different, yes, my life could have been easier and yes it could have been harder, but, to each their own. I envy those who:
*have never had to go through their parents getting divorced, and being there for all the fights that led up to it; years worth.
*being diagnosed with depression at a young age and struggling with problems that none of your class mates know about and having them tease you for years on end.
*being suicidal in 5th grade.
*have had their parents get re-married and going through the drama and heart ache that brings.
*having to watch a parent go through a 2nd divorce.
*having to watch a parent put up your new sister for adoption knowing that the current marriage and living situation is not healthy for a baby to be in. and not knowing when you are going to see her again.
*having one of your parents and their spouse hate your other parent; even after its been YEARS later of little, or no drama. The lies that are brought up between parents.
*losing a sibling to "emancipating" themselves at 17 and hardly seeing them while they were "gone" for 2 years.
*losing another sibling to drugs, and lies, and bitterness and having them hate you for caring for them.
*having to watch a parent move away when you would want to keep them in your pocket with you if it were possible.
*having to watch/listen to that parent with the struggles of starting all over again.

And this is only touching the surface.

There is only SO much a strong person can endure, and I feel I am getting to the end of my rope. I don't want to be strong anymore; I'm done. I hate putting up with all the things I do. But, what other choice do I have? I really thought getting married would change a lot of these things, but, I'm still as poor as I was growing up, if not poorer. Family drama is the worst its ever been. The only difference is I'm not alone anymore, and that makes the biggest difference in the world. I really don't know where I would be without Dallin. He is my hero. He rescued me from myself. I was on the edge of a very dark place in my life, all I had to do was take the plunge. I probably would be into drugs at this point and who knows what else. And I KNOW thats the path I would be on right now. I am a big pessimist, but, I do have things to be grateful for.
*Dallin; the love of my life and my hero.
*my mom; she is the best friend anyone could ask for!
*my dog; being there for me when no one else was.
*some of my extended family; they are a blessing in my life!
*a loving and forgiving heavenly father; if he was not forgiving, I don't know where I would be in my life.

My only hope is, is that when Dallin and I do start our own family, I do not want them to have a life even CLOSE to mine! They need a happy life. If it cost me to go through hell for them to not know what hell feels like, I will take it! Plus, I don't think I could bear to go through it again. There are only so many times a heart can break and try to mend its self again. Because of all the things I have gone through, I can relate to a lot of things and I try my best to help those along the way.