Timing in the Music.

I have fallen in love with all the new songs that have been coming out recently. I don't ever remember liking so many new releases before. The thing I find interesting is how similar they are; they all seem to be about difficulties and hardships in relationships, yet I can't help loving them. They all speak to me, too. Maybe because I can relate somewhat and it soothes the aching in my heart. Some of them, as beautiful as they are, are completely haunting to me. I don't know why. 

The Inspiration and the Lesson.

      Ok, before you read this, I'm going to attempt to make you do some homework. In order for this post to be less confusing, I promise it will help if you read where my inspiration came from. I read this blog called Life To Her Years; Dad's tips for adding life to a daughters years. The specific post that I linked you to is titled,

50 Rules for Dads of Daughters. 

Go on! Read it! I can wait......

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Did you read it? 

Yes?

OK, lets continue.

      Now, reactions.... Well, there are an array of 1st responses. "Awww!! How Sweet!/Cute!" Maybe, it brought a few tears to your eyes with sweet, loving memories of you and your dad. 

      For me, things like this make me feel this deep yearning for love and acceptance suppressed by troubled heartache I've carried for a majority of my life. It would be like a backwards Pandora's box for me; I have the hope that conceals all the sadness and despair on top,  but, when I make myself vulnerable by moving that hope aside by reading something like this, thats when all the yearning, longing strings of my soul, tug and strum on my heart. It's very emotionally painful for me, and, right now as I type this, I feel a bit empty; like a part of me is missing. Sure, you can say it's not too late and I can still form a relationship with with my dad, which I already know and am working on, but, I can't make up for lost time. We can't change the past and you can't erase memories. The damage is done, the words have been said; all thats left to do is my best as a dysfunctional adult, and to try to apologize or learn to let go, and move on. We're human - change and letting go is, unfortunately, not an easy thing to do. 

      In my Philosophy class (which I love!) at school, I heard quite a few profound and deep statements during my professors lecture today. We were learning about Confucius and Buddha and their views on the fundamentals for a society to function. 

*side note* (pun intended) The main facts I find interesting are: these men lived at least 500 years before Christ and they found the same moral values that are imperative to becoming an ethical, decent, and well educated human being that we just toss aside and take for granted today. Huh.... this speaks volumes, I think. 

      Anyway, according to Confucius, men are born "to find trouble". So, to teach the "natural" man to be a good man, he needs to be taught ethics then math (education). This order lights the path to a good and educated business man. Ethics provides the way to goodness and truth. If you educate him before he learns ethics, his chances of using his education for evil sky rocket. Women, apparently, are born more naturally good, but are easily more vulnerable. Their foundation just needs to become solid.

      You've heard the saying, "Behind every good man is a good woman"? Well, here's the saying a bit re-vamped; behind a bad woman, is a bad man. (Keep in mind that these are not my words! This is all Confucius.) Bad women are corrupted by bad, vulgar men. This man can be the father, brother, boyfriend, husband, etc., he can be anyone to the woman. The woman can be easily swayed if her foundation is not solid because she is more vulnerable. When she becomes corrupt, she will stand beside a bad man. (or the chances of that being so is definitely escalated.)  

      This made me pause and think. I know I'm corrupt (to a point) but, I'm not sure who corrupted me. It could have been daddy - or lack of daddy, or my brother - or lack of brother, or it could have been all the guys I put in daddy's place, since he wasn't around as much in those "male influencing years", that were mostly all bad examples and influences. (Remember, you are always an example, but are you a good, or bad one? I know I'd rather not be used as a bad example, do you?)

      The major downfall of this country, especially in the last couple generations of child rearing, is we base our society on our emotions. If you like someone, they're invited to your inner circle, but, heaven forbid someone crosses you, you don't want to see them again. Could be a boss, a teacher, your best friend from kindergarten, your parent, your, sibling, your spouse. Who cares? This person has no right to be in your life because they did some wrong by you, right? WRONG! Because of this, this is why our families are failing, why marriages are failing, why the government is failing. Because everything is done out of emotion. If everything was done out of respect, our country and all the other groups in our country (i.e. the family unit) wouldn't be crumbling the way it is. 

So, I never planned on this post being so long. I was going to add my insights from Buddha, but, I think I'm going to save that for another post. Anyways, thanks for reading if you made it this far and I hope you found some insights yourself. :)

Why We Believe in

From a religious/LDS perspective and from an individual's independent perspective.

Closure

I have to say that closure is one of the best feelings in the world. I think by now that most of my readers know about my "wonderful" childhood. There have been many things that I have pondered "Why?" for years and I love having those epiphanies or "A-HA!" moments. My mom tells me ALL the time, "You are smarter than me when I was at your age." I guess it's true, but, there is still so much more I want to know.

 I've always had a hard time watching those cute, daddy-daughter movies, like

I know that there are other similar movies, but, I can't think of them. Anyways, that was something I always wanted and here Hollywood was shoving something in my face that I didn't have. I always felt like crap after watching those movies. Even in high school when boys would talk about their dates and they would compare what dads would do when they would go to pick up their date. I remember hearing that a boy went to pick up his date and the dad was in the front room cleaning his shot gun to intimidate the boy. I wanted that! I never have really had a relationship with my dad; sure we get along, have fun when we see each other, etc., but, I've been yearning for a deep relationship with that man. So, my goal over the last 2 - 3 years was to get started on that relationship! Tonight I talked with him for an hour! (which does not happen) Part of that hour was me venting a little and he listened! with out trying to fix it and, even better, I felt comfortable doing so! My mom is my go-to person for venting (I am a BIG mommys girl) and it was very nice and refreshing to open up to him. After we hung up I almost started crying (and I never cry!) because I couldn't believe how amazing the connection and the call went. 

My dad and I at my wedding.

My dad and my 2nd youngest sister. He LOVES little kids. 

I truly, deeply hope that whenever Dallin and I DO have children, that they will never know the pain, sorrow, and hurt I endured in my childhood. I want them to be happy and safe and to be children. All I wanted was to grow up so I could escape my life, but, either way I was forced to grow up fast at a young age. I hope Dallin will be an amazing father, and I hope that my children will have an awesome relationship with their Grandpa Rasmussen. 

Family

In the last few weeks, I've been trying to discover "whats wrong with me" and "how to fix it". I've started doing Emotion Therapy and have so far, loved it. I can tell with certain things and aspects in our relationship, that walls are slowly starting to come down and old, deep wounds are, just as equally slowly, starting to heal. Throughout all the events that have happened over the last few weeks, I can't help but to think of my own immediate family, and my future family. I love my family - I love each individual in my own, different way. I have also discovered that I truly hate my past, and therefore am ashamed of my family (to an extent). Parts of my family are complete drama and I feel bad for Dallin marrying into my family. One of the most obvious reasons that validates my feelings on this topic is that 90% of the fights Dallin and I have ever had, have been because of our families - and mostly mine. I think Dallin and I would be better off living far, far away from both our families. It's sad that thats what it boils down to, but, I don't see us doing better, or raising a family one day, staying here in Utah indefinitely. I do love my siblings; very much, but, I don't trust my brother and sister's homes to be a good environment to be in for any of our future children; and Dallin agree's with me. I honestly wish I could just forget; I hate remembering things that I can't run away from. 

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A lot of this has made me think that we need to start being mindful of our future family. Dallin has always been good with kids, but, when he holds one of our nieces; his older brother's daughter, Ansley, he gets this adoring, loving look in his eye. It makes me excited to see that because I can see that one day he really does want to be a dad someday. I just look at him adoring her and it just makes me think that we have a little girl up in heaven waiting to come when the time is right. Part of me wishes that we were ready to start thinking about preparing for a family, but, I KNOW we are not yet ready. We have too many issues we have to work through before children can come. But, one day, God only knows, we will be ready.

Has it been 2 years already!?

Tomorrow is our 2 years of marriage mark, Ho-ly COW! It's been the longest and hardest 2 years of my life. I'm just grateful we had each other so we weren't going through our hardships alone - and we've definitely have had our relationship tried and tested to the limit! Yet, here we are. It has not been the most ideal past 2 years, but, whats done is done. We definitely learned (the hard way I might add) that you can't help others when you can't even help yourselves/self. That includes family. Living with our families over time has nearly drove us apart - multiple times. The trailer was the most toxic situation; I love my brother and sister, but the stress and the high-tension living environment was too much. I desperately miss living in the trailer, though. We had space, somewhat more privacy, an amazing ward, and our own things there. Because of all these high stress situations -  I've become completely altered and I'm not the happy-go-lucky-bubbly-girl most of you knew me to be. I hate that the past year has made me this way. The whole past 2 years, we've been delayed to allow our marriage to bloom, so, we are extremely late bloomers -  we haven't even had all of our 'first year of marriage fights' yet! 

I hope and pray that our worst years are behind us and that the next 2 bring peace, relief, happiness and a blooming relationship!

P.S. Don't even bother asking about kids - I'm dreading the influx of the dumb question. We will NOT start a family while living with family and they won't even be a thought until we live at least a year in our own place. 

 

Something different.

On my short drive home from work tonight, I had lots of thoughts zooming through my head. Since tonight was my last closing shift at work, it's become more surreal that my last day is this Thursday. The debate keeps raging in my brain of whether or not I want to find another job. . . This was my main topic of thought. I HAVE applied at a couple places, but, I think it VERY unlikely that I will be receiving a phone call, so, there is not much anticipation for a new job just yet. My main reason for not working is because my desire for school was strong enough, that I made it happen and I am finally going back to school! School officially starts in a week and I can't WAIT! The more I think about the job thing, the more I just . . . don't want to do it. I have always worked and have loved working, but, I just feel like a job right now isn't what I should be doing right now. I want to focus on school when it starts, I want to devote more time volunteering at NMHP (No More Homeless Pets) and make sure my doggies are happy and are being taken care of :), I want to be a better member this year in SLSC (Salt Lake Symphonic Choir) since I was not very committed this past year, I want to start being actively involved more with doTERRA (Since I AM a consultant), I want to become a better wife for Dallin because he deserves it, I need to work on my spirituality BIG TIME, and one more thing: I want to try something different. I want to see if I can be a professional blogger. This site is specifically for updates in both Dallin's and my life, and I have been abusing it. I realize I need to keep it as it is and I need my own corner. So, with all this in mind, to hopefully better myself, who has time for a job? NOT ME! So, after this post, I will no longer be abusing this blog and I will start my new project of creating my own space, so, keep your eye's open for something new on the horizon! Keep following us if you want to keep up in our lives, but, honestly, don't expect many updates on this anymore. Everything will be on this new blog. Hopefully I will get it up soon. When I tend to obsess over something - it tends to get done faster! ;) Well, C ya in my new corner soon!

Inspiration and Fear

Have you ever read someone elses words or hear the just right music that you needed to hear and just get totally inspired to write or say something and you get all geared up to do so? and then when that moment arrives for you to start, you don't know what to say? That is where I'm at right now. My inspiration? HERE. This is a friends of mine from high school - blog; she has a beautiful playlist as well, so if you are going to check it out, please turn up the volume. I love her writing. Totally beautiful and inspiring and I wish I could write like she does. (Writing is something I would love to develop and turn into a talent.) 

I've had a lot of things on my mind the last couple weeks and most of those thoughts are on the line of me feeling insecure or scared about one matter or another. I can't help feeling scared for my/our future. I also can't help but wonder what my Heavenly Father has in store for me. I know he created me to be able to withstand lots of trials and tribulations and the strength to endure to the end of them and for when the next one is about to begin. I don't cry that much because I grew up that 'crying is a weakness' and it shows defeat during a hardship, so, I just have to endure and swallow those tears so they never see the surface. In doing so, I bottle up all the emotions that are associated with crying, and they explode into the opposite emotions of what crying is affiliated with. So, in mind that I have the shell of a knight on the outside, what more am I to endure?

We are very anti children right now. But, I like to look at baby clothes and names and such, anyway. I do not do this in hopes of having a child right now, I do this in hopes to suppress the little voice nagging me at the back of my mind; the voice wondering if I can even become pregnant, at all. We have not been trying to get pregnant, but, we have not been trying to prevent it, either. The more that time goes by, the more this voice scares me. The more that time goes by, the more other people ask the same question the voice is - the more fear is being struck in me. 

Next month is our 2 year anniversary. I can't believe it's only been 2 years, it's felt like an eternity already. It's definitely been the longest 2 years of my life. More times than not, I wonder if we are going to make it. We are definitely fighters - not lovers. I struggle with those who visualize marriage as 'perfection' or in the view that ' all your problems are going to be solved and its going to be absolute bliss' because, its not. For me, marriage is not 'the best' and I have always had a hard time comprehending how people can say that. The 'glamour' of marriage has long but faded away for me. I did not grow up with a good example of marriage, so, I don't know what a healthy one looks like. The only 2 marriages I have seen that I have been in 'Awe' over are 1 of my aunt and uncles and 1 step aunt and uncle. (I'm not naming names because I don't mean to or want to hurt anyone's feelings as I have unknowingly done so in the past.)

 All I want (right now) is for Dallin to figure what he wants to do, I want an education, I don't want either of us to have crap jobs anymore and I desperately want our own place. We have lived with family our whole marriage, and because of this, we have been unable to flourish our relationship which has done nothing except hold us back. Its been the cause of many awful fights and tears and heartache. The thing I wish the most from all of this is: I wish we dated a LOT longer - just in hopes that maybe, hopefully, we could have avoided some of the things we have gone through. But, I know that its not possible and all we can do is to keep trudging the muddy swamp we are in right now and just keep going until we are out of it.

I made a decision . . . .

I have been investigating DoTerra Essential Oils for a few weeks now. Today I made the decision to sell it! I have been thinking about selling Mary Kay and various other things, but, I didn't quite like EVERYTHING about the other groups that I was thinking about "selling". Even if I did not make the decision to sell this stuff, I would STILL buy it! ANYONE at ANY age can use this and it benefits you! You don't go to the doctor as much and it saves you from high medical bills, pain, depression, being over-weight, and any other ailment you can think of! I am a VERY skeptical person, and am very picky and choosy with things, but, I love EVERYTHING about DoTerra! All the products, what they do for you, how they are all natural and you don't have to deal with an other side affect ever again! This is HUGE for us since Dallin has all the allergies, skin, and breathing problems he has. It will cut back seeing DR's and he will eventually not need to use his inhaler that he has used his WHOLE LIFE for his asthma! I think this is a good move for us for our future, especially when we start having children! I am SO excited about this and know that this will be ONE thing in my life I will NOT regret doing :) PLEASE let me know if anyone wants to learn more about it or wants to attend a class to be more educated about it. Thanks for reading. 

I don't wanna grow up!!!

Dallin can SERIOUSLY drive me nuts, but, it's because he is still young-at-heart and playful and can tap in to his inner child; while mine is locked away in solitary confinement, in a top-of-the-line prison, buried deep inside me, so, Dallin is good for me that way. I need to learn to be "immature" apparently. I was forced to grow up FAST at a young age, so, I don't know what its like to "be a kid". Dallin is SO much better with kids than I am - even with my own siblings! I like having my nieces and nephews and little siblings because I can love them, and play with them all I want, and when they start being a pain in the butt, I can give them back. Kids are DEFINITELY still years away!

ALL I wanted when I was younger was to grow up, and, now that I am here, I want to go backwards. It's been weird living with younger kids again and every time there is a knock at the front door, it's a neighbor kid asking if one of my brothers-in-law can come out and play. I've gotten to know some of their friends, and my BIL's, and, I've forgotten how innocent and care free the younger people can be - I don't EVER remember feeling that way. Coming from a very violent, abusive, neglected, and hurtful background, I forget not everyone comes from a hard life. As stressful as our situation seems, I have been having fun living with my In-Laws :) My Father-In-Law, Kevin, and my Brother-In-Law, Weston, and I have been the night owls. I have LOVED the few nights where Kevin and I have sat and talked for HOURS about . . whatever! I LOVE being able to talk to him and the relationship I have with him, it's been filling my "lack of daddy" void in my life from when I was little. (I'm trying to get to know my dad NOW and have relationship with him because I'm craving it on the inside so badly . . ) Weston is a good kid (fun to tease!) and he does what he can to get you involved in doing something! He works out almost every night and keeps asking me to do push ups or something with him. (I'm getting more motivated to lose weight!) I have been having fun teasing and "beating" on Weston, Kendall (my youngest b-i-l), and their friends who are also good kids and are also fun to tease. :) I think it's been helping me to "lighten up" because I am so serious, and I have been MAJORLY depressed for the last 2 + years or so. I just hate that I am turning 23 (GASP!) next month and these guys are all almost about 10 years younger than me and sometimes make me feel old, but, its been fun! I'm just glad it's been a good experience here so far and I love how my In-Laws are not pushy or imposing :)

What kind of person are you?

Honestly, I should be a Psychiatrist, I over-analyze things WAY too much; but, I also think that is why I am more mature.

My mom and I were talking about Christ-Like attributes tonight, but, this has also been a topic thats been on my mind as of late. What are all of them? What are your strengths? What are your weak spots? What do you WANT to work on?

My personal Top 3 picks are:

*Constant Forgiveness

*Never Judges

and

*Unending and unfailing Love (Charity)

I may say I hate someone, but, I really don't. Writing is my form of letting the things out that get bottled up and "saying" my suppressions the way they "should" be said; that being stated, it is ALWAYS going to be exaggerated and I will make it sound worse than it is because I am a pessimist. (According to my sister-in-law, she says I'm a "REALIST", ha ha, THX Karen!)

Got it? OK, lets move on.

I have come to the conclusion that LDS people are more judgmental and non-LDS people are less judgmental. Why? Do you ask? Because in our SAFE LDS world we are protected from the "bad walks" in life, which leaves us ignorant and therefore to be more judgmental of what we "think" we know. Non-LDS people come from MANY bad walks in life so they are more understanding and less judgmental of you, which is why I think I have more non-member friends.

My WHOLE life I have tried to have friends from church or seminary but, no one seemed to want to have anything to do with me which is why I never felt like I belonged and that I was different. I feel more accepted and comfortable with non-LDS people. The few LDS friends I DO have, have come from some form of difficult backgrounds themselves and we have a mutual understanding of another and we know we can rely on each other. In all honesty, it REALLY is a miracle I am still an active member of this church. You really have no clue how true that is.

My Christlike goals: I want to be more loving, accepting, and forgiving of others and be more charitable.

I realize I may over share, be too negative, annoying, or whatever else, and I DO feel bad for myself because I don't have that many friends, but, I'd rather be true to me, be loved by God regardless, than pretend to be someone I'm not or be a hypocrite. I'm not going to act "holier than thou" and then not live it, thats WRONG. I realize I don't go to the temple often, say my prayers, read my scriptures, or have that much of a testimony right now, but, you know what? I know God loves me and is there no matter what and will greet me with open arms when ever I decide to embrace them. I may have my own internal struggles with the church, God, or myself, but, I can not imagine my life with out the church. Other churches are too confusing and pushy.

~I may not always love the people, but, I will ALWAYS love the Gospel.~

Here are 2 of my philosophy's to life:

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God to die to find out there isn't, than to live my life as if there isn't a God to die to find out there is."

"LIVE SIMPLY, LOVE GENEROUSLY, CARE DEEPLY, SPEAK KINDLY. AND LEAVE THE REST TO GOD."

Let our loving Heavenly Father and all sacrificing BROTHER jESUS Christ BE THE ULTIMATE JUDGE; NOT US.

wHAT WILL YOU CHOOSE?

I think Karissa helped me figure it out . . .

(If you are confused by the heading, reading this previous blog and the comments.)

SO, I think Karissa helped me find and hit the issue on the head, so to speak.

I don't feel accepted, or feel like I fit in, for being me. I guess it's something I have always known because I never ONCE felt like I fit in at school ever in ANY grade. I never felt like I fit in with the girls in Young Womens which is why I was SO excited to go to Relief Society (I get along better with older people than people my own age or younger, been like that my whole life.) I realize that I am only 22, but, I feel like I am 32. I feel like my body, mind and spirit are much older. MOST people my age drive me nuts because to me they are not mature enough.

The last few jobs that I have had since the Mayan, I feel like I don't fit in.

I feel like I don't have a set of friends that I don't fit in with. (Only feel accepted by a select few)

I have never felt accepted in church. (Again, only feel accepted by a select few people)

I even feel like this with some family (this includes EXTENDED) Sure I feel loved from my family, but, feel only certain members genuinely care for, love, and accept me for me. I hear other people who say that their cousins feel like siblings and best friends to them because they do things all the time and have a close friendship like that. I DO love my cousins and feel closer to some than others, but, I'm not THAT close to any of them and I wish I were.

Under all this, I am also incredibly insecure about myself (if you can't already tell) So, every little thing in my life that goes wrong feels intensified by 5x. I have always been a "bigger" girl, but in the last year with the weight that I have gained, I just don't feel pretty at ALL. I am also a very Independent individual and I have had a hard time losing some of my independence. So, just with different, various things over the last 3 years or so, I just feel like I have lost myself.

So, hopefully realizing some of this, I can start to find myself and start to feel good about myself again, eventually.