(If you are confused by the heading, reading this previous blog and the comments.)
SO, I think Karissa helped me find and hit the issue on the head, so to speak.
I don't feel accepted, or feel like I fit in, for being me. I guess it's something I have always known because I never ONCE felt like I fit in at school ever in ANY grade. I never felt like I fit in with the girls in Young Womens which is why I was SO excited to go to Relief Society (I get along better with older people than people my own age or younger, been like that my whole life.) I realize that I am only 22, but, I feel like I am 32. I feel like my body, mind and spirit are much older. MOST people my age drive me nuts because to me they are not mature enough.
The last few jobs that I have had since the Mayan, I feel like I don't fit in.
I feel like I don't have a set of friends that I don't fit in with. (Only feel accepted by a select few)
I have never felt accepted in church. (Again, only feel accepted by a select few people)
I even feel like this with some family (this includes EXTENDED) Sure I feel loved from my family, but, feel only certain members genuinely care for, love, and accept me for me. I hear other people who say that their cousins feel like siblings and best friends to them because they do things all the time and have a close friendship like that. I DO love my cousins and feel closer to some than others, but, I'm not THAT close to any of them and I wish I were.
Under all this, I am also incredibly insecure about myself (if you can't already tell) So, every little thing in my life that goes wrong feels intensified by 5x. I have always been a "bigger" girl, but in the last year with the weight that I have gained, I just don't feel pretty at ALL. I am also a very Independent individual and I have had a hard time losing some of my independence. So, just with different, various things over the last 3 years or so, I just feel like I have lost myself.
So, hopefully realizing some of this, I can start to find myself and start to feel good about myself again, eventually.
Well, I don't know what I said to help, but I'm so glad it did!
ReplyDeleteWe have a crazy amount of things in common, I also get a long better with older people. In Young Women's I was always best friends with my leaders. When I was younger I'd fuss when the grown ups would tell me to go play with the other kids because I just wanted to sit and chat with them. haha crazy.
Also, for what it's worth, I think your gorgeous, and I'm not just saying that...I really think you are!