Learn to let go.

Lately, this quote has been swimming through my mind; " Don't worry about the people in your past; there's a reason they didn't make it into your future."

For those of you who REALLY know me, I have been through a lot in my life. And those things have made me who I am, but, I also think I let it DEFINE who I am, and, I'm realizing, that its starting to push people away. I'm a good person, I know it, you know it, (hopefully) and I mean well, but, just because I am a good person, doesn't mean I'm likable right now. I've lost myself in my life in the last 3 years. With in these last 3 years, I think I have been wandering back and forth into Depression again. (((From 5 to 12 I was diagnosed and had Depression; was medicated for 3 years, & suicidal for 1 yr (still have the scars, too). and mental illness runs in my family, esp. the females, from my moms side)))) & (Depression is easier to get again, once you have been there, compared to not ever having it at all) I'm WAY too hard on myself and I am not forgiving of myself. I let myself go awhile ago. All the things that I loved and made me, ME, I let go. Getting ready and all made up, my weight, my self esteem, music, art, singing, etc. And I don't care. It's a wonder that Dallin is at my side, really. And it's even MORE a wonder that he puts up with me as well as he does. He saved me from a life of misery when we started dating, I know that for a FACT! I was going to enter into a life that I know there would have been no turning back. For that, I am eternally grateful. But, everyone has their limits.

I hate how I keep reminiscing on how I have lost every "best friend" I have ever had; except Candice who is lost in boyfriend world right now. I never made friends easily or never had many, but, I'm one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. Each loss I took seriously because, I felt like I was losing a member of the family. I hate to admit it, but, I have been desperate for friends. I am lonely a lot.

** I never really had LDS friends. But even more, I hated going to church when I was younger because I never had any friends at church; all through Primary, Young Womens, you name it. The people i would hang out with were either my siblings friends or the few I had during school who were not LDS because they had divorced parents/parents that hated each other and I could relate to them, LDS kids didn't relate because they had a "perfect family' to go home to and they were also to "immature" for me because I was dealing with more "mature" issues, so they could not help, relate to, or understand. **

Now that I am married, all I want is LDS friends, but, still can't really attain them. I can't talk about churchy things with non-LDS friends because they don't understand. Yes, I realize I AM married, but, we don't really have other couples to hang out with; and the one couple we DO do things with, we have a hard time getting schedules to work. Dallin hangs out with a lot of his single friends, which is good because he can be silly with them, but bad because when "we" all hang out, I feel like I'm not even married or there. So, I want to go out with friends of my own, but, theres none there. I have 1 girlfriend thats there most of the time (single, non-LDS) and pretty all my other friends are single guys from High School (which I still love them) but, it's not the same as hanging out girls, LDS girls, or married girls for that matter. My mom and sister were always my best friends. It's hard that out of my immediate family that I grew up with, that I'm the only one still in and doing good with church and have my recommend, etc. My sister floats in and out of depression herself and sometimes the real Amber is there and sometimes she's not. My mom being far away has been hard for me as well. I know that she is "only a phone call away" but, it's not the same.

Dallin's last day at his work is coming up and I am TERRIFIED of that day! I only work 15 > hours a week at Arby's (not exactly my dream job & training still) and I don't know how much longer that will last and then Dallin is leaving his stable (but crappy) 2o hrs a week soon and somehow thinks we can get by without him having another job first, him doing his internship (that he does NOT get paid for) and doing temp jobs in the mean time. All we have done is looked for jobs since we were engaged. Can't we have some stability somewhere? Have insurance so we can finally go to the dentist or go see a doctor if we get sick? Try to start paying off our debt instead of accruing more? We (I) have so many things in collections and I hate that we have no income to start paying for it and that my credit is going to crap because of it.

We barely are scrapping by; what will we do when my brother and his girlfriend finally DO move out? How are we going to pay even our rent?

Pretty much, all I am trying to say is, I know I need to let these insecurities and my past and whatever else go, I just don't know how. I know I can handle things and that I am "tough" but, what if I don't want to be tough anymore? I am almost at my breaking point and I just don't know how much more I can handle. We need help.