The worth of every soul is great in the eyes of God.

I REALLY hate that I am an emotional mess and that I can't find an alternative to expressing my feelings in a written form on the world wide web for all to see. I'm not looking for a pity party, I don't really know what I am looking for. I fail miserably at talking and especially if I am nervous I am a bumbling wreck, make myself look and feel dumb so all I want to do is shut up and disappear. writing/typing I feel is the only way I can organize my thoughts and get them out so they are no longer eating me up inside. It's been even worse as of late. The constant flow of losing jobs, my siblings moving in and out, Dallin and I constantly struggling. I keep having these lapses of weakness. and I keep giving in to it.

The other day I had the thought, "Satan must REALLY want me out of the picture if I keep succumbing into allowing suicidal thoughts roam in and out of my thoughts."

In my P. Blessing, it says that "I have a great work to do", apparently it's so important, that Satan wants me out of the picture entirely. It's kinda funny; even before I got my Blessing, I always felt set apart and different from everyone else. I felt I had some great destiny that only I could fulfill. It almost sounds like something out of a movie, but, when that was said in my blessing, that confirmed it for me. I have lost myself in my misery and I have forgotten who I am. . . . A Daughter of GOD, who is loved, and is here at this time for a divine purpose that not even I know what it yet is, but I know that its there. I have lost my self worth and need to get it back, though I think it will be a long and quite possibly an emotional experience. I need to allow myself to put faith, love and trust into myself, my husband, my family, my friends, to my fellow man, and most of all to my Heavenly Father. He never gave up on me; I gave up on him.

Please everyone, be loving and patient with me. Trust me, of all people, I KNOW how much of a pain I am. But remember this quote,"Those who deserve love the least, need it the most." I just need to be around good examples (I have not had many in my life) and I need people I can trust, love and rely on that won't gossip or hurt me in anyway. I'm trying to get over the hurt I have felt in my life which I am struggling to let go and why I am struggling so much in my life, NOW. I need more reasons to get up every day and feel like I'm worth it. Please don't turn the other cheek; Jesus won't turn his back on you or me, so, why do we? Never miss a chance to make someone smile, you never know if you helped save their life or not. Trust me, I have been on both sides of that line.