I just want some Independence . . .

Our whole marriage we have not once been an independent couple. We either depended on someone or someone(s) depended on us. As I thought that my brother, his girlfriend, and my niece are soon to be leaving us (very bittersweet situation) I thought that maybe we might be able to finally start to work things out for us. (yes my sister and nephew are still here, but, I think she is planning her way out soon, too.) Apparently, I was very wrong.

We went to the temple last week and I got a prompting that we need to start thinking about getting pregnant in the near future, not to get pregnant now. Thats a terrifying thought for us right now because we have never been well off at all; how can we take care of a kid if we can't even take care of ourselves? I only work part time at Arby's right now and that doesn't pay enough for us to pay for anything. Dallin lost his jobs and he is doing Temp jobs and donating Plasma just to help get us by. But it seems like no matter what we do, it's never enough. We are SO broke. Honestly, I just feel like its a matter of time that we would get kicked out of here anyway. I HATE that Dallin can't get a job yet, his stupid internship is taking FOREVER and thats all we can do is wait until it's over and he can get hired somewhere and start making hopefully somewhere around $15 an hour.

Dallin talks to me tonight (he never clarified if this is a prompting or if he just thinks what we should do) that he thinks we should move in with his parents.

Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE my in-laws. But, this is not what I want in my life right now. Him just telling me that put me into tears (and since we all know I am"allergic" to crying, this news is crushing and devastating to me)

There is no space/privacy in that house. We would only have a room to ourselves. RIGHT across the hall are Dallin's younger brothers who are 10 and 14. The house is small, beat up a bit, and cramped due to my F.I.L.'s hoarding disorder. I have my mom's trailer full of things that have no where to go, and there is very little space for my dog there.

The upside would be that, we would only have to pay $200 a month for being there.

We have been together over 2 years and going 2 years of marriage this September and we have not had it easy once. Our whole time together, 1 of us has always been looking for a job and since finances have not been reliable, we are in tons of debt (and most of it is my fault) and I have several things in collections that we can't even make payments on because we can't even afford gas, groceries, or rent right now.

All I want is for Dallin and I to be on our own and start our life together; is that too much to ask!? I feel like thats been put on hold and we are not allowed to travel that road yet. I feel like the door was just shut behind us, and we are chained to the door so we can watch everyone else progress in their lives while we just watch and can't move forward. I know throughout our lives we are supposed to go through trials, but, I feel like my life has been one whole trial right after another. I have NEVER had it easy. Can't I hit the easy button? Can't I feel happy and content with my life and feel like I hit a milestone or achieved something and have that feeling of success burn in my chest?

I am tired. I am getting burnt out. I feel like I won't be able to handle much more than what I already have. I want to call it quits. I'm done. I have been zig-zagging across the line of whether my life is worth living or not for the last 3 years and most times, I am on the side where I don't want to live anymore. Stress and anxiety and depression are consuming me and its starting to take a toll on my body. I hardly eat anymore, I am more exhausted and all I want to do is sleep.

Sorry this is so depressing but, I can't handle this anymore. I am at my wits end.