Family

In the last few weeks, I've been trying to discover "whats wrong with me" and "how to fix it". I've started doing Emotion Therapy and have so far, loved it. I can tell with certain things and aspects in our relationship, that walls are slowly starting to come down and old, deep wounds are, just as equally slowly, starting to heal. Throughout all the events that have happened over the last few weeks, I can't help but to think of my own immediate family, and my future family. I love my family - I love each individual in my own, different way. I have also discovered that I truly hate my past, and therefore am ashamed of my family (to an extent). Parts of my family are complete drama and I feel bad for Dallin marrying into my family. One of the most obvious reasons that validates my feelings on this topic is that 90% of the fights Dallin and I have ever had, have been because of our families - and mostly mine. I think Dallin and I would be better off living far, far away from both our families. It's sad that thats what it boils down to, but, I don't see us doing better, or raising a family one day, staying here in Utah indefinitely. I do love my siblings; very much, but, I don't trust my brother and sister's homes to be a good environment to be in for any of our future children; and Dallin agree's with me. I honestly wish I could just forget; I hate remembering things that I can't run away from. 

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A lot of this has made me think that we need to start being mindful of our future family. Dallin has always been good with kids, but, when he holds one of our nieces; his older brother's daughter, Ansley, he gets this adoring, loving look in his eye. It makes me excited to see that because I can see that one day he really does want to be a dad someday. I just look at him adoring her and it just makes me think that we have a little girl up in heaven waiting to come when the time is right. Part of me wishes that we were ready to start thinking about preparing for a family, but, I KNOW we are not yet ready. We have too many issues we have to work through before children can come. But, one day, God only knows, we will be ready.