Stress

I have become so BAD at blogging! I'm sorry! The last few months have been strange. I was in school this last semester and I was beyond busy! All I know - is that I am never doing that, again! The grades I got were the worst I've had since middle school - YIKES. I failed 2 classes and my best grade was a B- . . . last semester was bad. After spring break to the end of school, I got so sick. I swore on my life that I was pregnant - I missed 2 cycles for crying out loud! (Sorry if TMI - I don't care.) I had enough and decided I wanted to see a DR. My DR ended up being booked through August! I was not going to wait that long! So, I was able to talk them into getting me in sooner so, I got an appointment at the end of May - by that time, I still had to wait a month! Ever since then - I've been extremely impatient with everything. I finally got a call back with my results yesterday (we ran a LOT of tests, mind you.) and everything was fine and normal! I guess I really was that stressed and I didn't realize it! 

So, besides everything being normal, the only concern my DR has is she thinks there is a possibility that we may have infertility issues. It's been almost a week since those words escaped her lips and I still don't know what to think or how to process it. The thing is, is we are not trying to get pregnant, but, we aren't preventing it, either. (Again, sorry if TMI, but, I don't care - I'm an open book, so, saying/hearing this stuff doesn't bother me.) She said she wants us to try for a year, and if we can't get pregnant, to then go and see an infertility specialist (since they are not covered by insurance). JOY. We still live with Dallin's family and there is NO way we will try to get pregnant while living here! You could not pay me enough to do so. We are still not ready for a family right now, but at the same time, I don't want to wait 'til we are ready and then find out we DO have issues. SO, we are stumped and don't exactly know what to do right now. Some days this information really bothers me and other days it doesn't. 

Right now, the housing market sucks: we can't find ANYTHING in our price range and I'm starting to get desperate to get out of here. I do not look forward spending a 2nd summer here: it's a form of a hell for me that I cannot explain in words. In a month and a week, I will be turning 24. Dallin turns 26 this year and he will be booted off of his parents health insurance. We both feel like we are too old to not yet have had a place to call our own, to not have a college education/degree, to not have a good job and no health insurance. We both have grown very impatient, insecure, bitter/resentful, and dealing with the same 'deadly sin': envy. We've been married almost 3 years and have absolutely nothing to show for it. We haven't been on one vacation and we could use one desperately. We're in a rut and not sure how to get out. The biggest thing that would help would be getting out of this toxic living situation. If I could move out on my own, I would, in a heartbeat. I love Dallin, but, my desire to get out of this house is almost stronger than that. 

All this stress has caused me a ton of anxiety - and I don't handle anxiety attacks well. It's gotten so bad a few times that I became suicidal to escape it. Luckily, I haven't succumbed and I finally saw my DR who prescribed me anti-depressants. I probably should have gone back on them 3-4 years ago. I stopped taking them when I thought I was pregnant, so, I've been in emotional limbo the last few weeks, once I'm consistent, it's a night and day difference! I handle things a lot better and I am more tolerant and patient. 

I didn't mean for this post to turn this direction, but, it happened to go that way. But, now you are updated! If you have any questions, ask!