If I could turn back time. . .

Bear with me, today has been an emotionally horrific day and this is just touching base with some of my thoughts today. 

If I could, I would go back in time exactly 5 years ago. I recently turned 18 and had the best birthday ever! I was just about to start my senior year of high school and my best year of school to date. It was also the beginning of the best year of my life; and it was also my last. Sure - things weren't 'hunky dory' that whole year, but, things weren't as hard to handle back then as they are now. I would want that year to repeat back the same, but, after that year would be over, I would want to change my life over the last 4 years. If I had to repeat them again -  THAT would be my own personal hell. Granted, there have been some good things that have happened over the last 4 years but, the bad HEAVILY out-weigh the good. 

If you asked me 5 years ago where I wanted to be in 5 years - it would NOT be where I am now. Nothing has gone the way I wanted over the last 4 years. I feel so.... broken and beaten. I feel old; on the inside. I've been more miserable and unhappy than I thought I would ever be. In high school, I had SO much going for me. I was accomplishing things and doing something with my life. In the last 4 years, I have accomplished nothing. I'm currently not going anywhere in my life. I hate this dead end I have been living on. All I have to show for the last 4 years is going into debt, losing my friends, being jobless and getting one crap job after another - or losing the good ones from lay offs or for stupid reasons, not once having a place to call 'home' or 'my own'. I feel utterly worthless. 

Being a teenager was the only fun stage I've ever had in my life. My childhood sucked and my adult-hood thus far has sucked. I want to be 18 again . . .