Inspiration and Fear

Have you ever read someone elses words or hear the just right music that you needed to hear and just get totally inspired to write or say something and you get all geared up to do so? and then when that moment arrives for you to start, you don't know what to say? That is where I'm at right now. My inspiration? HERE. This is a friends of mine from high school - blog; she has a beautiful playlist as well, so if you are going to check it out, please turn up the volume. I love her writing. Totally beautiful and inspiring and I wish I could write like she does. (Writing is something I would love to develop and turn into a talent.) 

I've had a lot of things on my mind the last couple weeks and most of those thoughts are on the line of me feeling insecure or scared about one matter or another. I can't help feeling scared for my/our future. I also can't help but wonder what my Heavenly Father has in store for me. I know he created me to be able to withstand lots of trials and tribulations and the strength to endure to the end of them and for when the next one is about to begin. I don't cry that much because I grew up that 'crying is a weakness' and it shows defeat during a hardship, so, I just have to endure and swallow those tears so they never see the surface. In doing so, I bottle up all the emotions that are associated with crying, and they explode into the opposite emotions of what crying is affiliated with. So, in mind that I have the shell of a knight on the outside, what more am I to endure?

We are very anti children right now. But, I like to look at baby clothes and names and such, anyway. I do not do this in hopes of having a child right now, I do this in hopes to suppress the little voice nagging me at the back of my mind; the voice wondering if I can even become pregnant, at all. We have not been trying to get pregnant, but, we have not been trying to prevent it, either. The more that time goes by, the more this voice scares me. The more that time goes by, the more other people ask the same question the voice is - the more fear is being struck in me. 

Next month is our 2 year anniversary. I can't believe it's only been 2 years, it's felt like an eternity already. It's definitely been the longest 2 years of my life. More times than not, I wonder if we are going to make it. We are definitely fighters - not lovers. I struggle with those who visualize marriage as 'perfection' or in the view that ' all your problems are going to be solved and its going to be absolute bliss' because, its not. For me, marriage is not 'the best' and I have always had a hard time comprehending how people can say that. The 'glamour' of marriage has long but faded away for me. I did not grow up with a good example of marriage, so, I don't know what a healthy one looks like. The only 2 marriages I have seen that I have been in 'Awe' over are 1 of my aunt and uncles and 1 step aunt and uncle. (I'm not naming names because I don't mean to or want to hurt anyone's feelings as I have unknowingly done so in the past.)

 All I want (right now) is for Dallin to figure what he wants to do, I want an education, I don't want either of us to have crap jobs anymore and I desperately want our own place. We have lived with family our whole marriage, and because of this, we have been unable to flourish our relationship which has done nothing except hold us back. Its been the cause of many awful fights and tears and heartache. The thing I wish the most from all of this is: I wish we dated a LOT longer - just in hopes that maybe, hopefully, we could have avoided some of the things we have gone through. But, I know that its not possible and all we can do is to keep trudging the muddy swamp we are in right now and just keep going until we are out of it.