"If the Devil is real, then God must be real, too."

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If you don't already know, I'm diagnosed with depression, anxiety, OCD, and I have a hormone imbalance. ALL these things mess with my emotions, hence why I feel like I am a 24/7 wreck. It doesn't help that I've been yo-yo dieting and have had so many prescriptions in the last 3 months that Dallin is going nuts. 

Pretty much since being told in December that I'm at high risk for

cancer/infertility/a hysterectomy, I've lost it.

My above listed diagnoses went from moderate, to severe. I couldn't function, I just completely shut down. Dallin and I weren't doing well and I felt like everyone's life would be better if I were out of the picture. I didn't trust myself driving, or cooking (knives), or being in my bedroom (where our gun WAS kept). It was too easy. The only thing that stopped me was 'what if I didn't do it right?' I could be a vegetable the rest of my life. I didn't want that. If I had a guaranteed way of it succeeding, with as little pain as possible.... I would have done it. Needless to say, Satan is working overtime to get me out of the way. I guess it's good to know that I'm so important that the Devil wants to off me for good. Did you ever see Devil by M. Night Shyamalan?  It's one of his more different movies, and I loved the message of this one - which is also why it didn't do so well. You can tell by the title of the movie that horrible things will happen, and they do, but like Pandora's Box, there is hope in the end. The moral of the story is, "If the Devil is real, then God must be real, too."

I've done some things in my past that I'm not proud of, but they have shaped me into the person I am today. I don't think they make me a better person, but, it helps me help other people, so, it's a good thing in a round about way. Even though there is an upside to them, there is also the inevitable downside; I have felt very spiritually detached. I've felt this way for years now, and I hate it. I'm not 100% sure what the reason(s) is, but if I had to guess, I don't think I've forgiven myself. Which is why my depression came back a few years ago. I hate how much power we have over ourselves.... I got myself into this and I'm the only one who can get myself out - only, I need Heavenly Fathers help and I've been pushing his hand away. So here I am, stuck. 

I'm not really sure why I wrote this or what it's purpose is, I just felt the need to write and this is what came out. It just kills me that people out there believe that depression is 'made up' for people who want attention. If you know me, you would know that I HATE being the center of attention. Depression is real, and I know it's a modern power of the Devil to make the best of God's children feel worthless. When we give in, he wins. There are so many support groups and people out there willing to help you, all you have to do is look for them or let someone know. We've all seen FB pages of people who died before their time; why is it after their passing that many people flock to their wall to say genuine, nice things when those kinds words would have benefited them more when they were living? All those words do is to help us find closure. If you love someone, tell them! If you are thinking of someone, let them know! A kind word said at the right time can literally be the difference between life and death.